And So It Goes...

If you haven't already seen, this is the glorious cover for IK6, Durante and Ella's story. As has now become traditional, the cover means, I'm also preparing for what I believe will be the last in the series (but never say never - one may do a little novel here and there, should the characters berate me sufficiently). Maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to finish it. I don't really want to say goodbye to the nutcases. Speaking of, get to know Beppe and Mimi a little better...

1.       Who are you closest to?

Beppe

“I’m coming out! I want the world to know, got to let it show!” Billy, you lazy cow! What have you been up to? Not me, I can see. What was the question? Oh yeah, that beautifully pomade ridden donkey fucker, Mamione. He knows all my deepest. As do you, my busty love. Have you thought about a breast reduction? I mean your back... Aren’t you crippled?

Mimi

“And so I face, the final curtain!” Aren’t you relieved this is the end of it all? No? Crazy. I’m closest to the cool, leggy, super sharp would break your heart in three words or less, Mrs. Anna Mamione-Taylor. That’s a mouthful! She’s done me a serious solid with so many things, and I’m honoured I could be there for her, too.

2.       What’s your earliest memory?

Beppe

I think I got into the medicine cabinet at my foster mother’s and I may have put a lot into my foster father’s drink. I dunno. Maybe. Can’t admit to anything, don’t want any legacy cases brought against me. But I do know that triggered my love of the chemical. I’ll take a hug. Why?

Mimi

Going shopping with my mum and her telling me I should make sure I have my own money to buy things in future, because I won’t always have a daddy to do it for me. She wasn’t lying.

3.       What’s your biggest fear?

Beppe

I don’t have kids, so it hasn’t happened yet. Still time. Aww, cheer up Billy the Kid, I’m not sure the world can truly handle more than one of me.

Mimi

Leaving a similar trail of destruction in my own family as mine did to me. No one wants to really be their parents, but it kinda is inevitable.

4.       What are you best at?

Beppe

Chemicals. They get me. I mean I’m a people person, but the delight of the combinations of different elements, brings me such peace and joy. Do you want a hug? Come on, let’s have a hug about your lack of chemical understanding. It’s fine. It doesn’t detract from you as a person. Much.

Mimi

Give me a scalpel a bone saw and rib separators and I am ready. This bitch can sew you up like an Italian leather shoe. Speaking of, sweets, have you thought about a breast reduction? Really? Doesn’t your back hurt? Really? Wow. I’m here for you.

5.       Tell us something that will shock us.

Beppe

I keep weapons grade tear gas in my car boot. I don’t know when I’ll need it. Why are you looking at me like that?

Mimi

I may have kept the scalpel from my first operation on a patient. Oh, don’t give me that look! I cleaned it before I stashed it my bag.

6.       What do you value in a partner?

Beppe

Amelia Johnson’s arse. Now that’s weapons grade.

Mimi

Sense. I do, I really need someone to help me keep my feet on the ground. I worry I’m unbalanced. Yes, I have met Nardiello, and he reassures me that the trait of sense is a necessity in my future partner.

7.       Describe the last time you felt happy.

Beppe

When Mimi called me to thank me for getting her a job. Beginning of something beautiful. Don’t cock block, London, I see you.

Mimi

The first day I stepped into my own home. Bought, lock, stock and barrel. What else? Okay, maybe when Nardiello said something complimentary about my work. I will cut you if you tell him. I’m not even joking. I would. You know I would.

8.       What’s your biggest regret?

Beppe

Not knowing my parents. Well, my mum’s dead, so it can’t be her regret that she didn’t know me, can it? Can’t really speak for dear Papa.

Mimi

Ooh, I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. Putting them in order of worst to even worse would not help anyone.

9.       What’s the one thing you’d change about yourself?

Beppe

I think I think too much. I have depths and talents, held back by aforethought. I may also have a slight inclination towards madness. When people say they have rage black outs, they have no idea. I get mad, and I remember everything I do, to the letter. And it doesn’t bother me. Yeah, I’ll take a hug, what for?

Mimi

I’d be a bit more forgiving. I’ve seen enough disease to know my body is fine as it is. Shut up Nardiello! I’m healthy. Forgiveness is like a superpower.

         

10.   What item can’t you live without?

Beppe

Does Amelia count?

Mimi

Don’t make me shallow. It’s nothing to do with Lost Boy. It isn’t! God, maybe I should learn how to lie about that man. 

New Flame

If you knew what this month is doing to me! And it's still not over!

But I shan't complain. I haven't the time to be honest with you. Here's the delightful cover for Luca and Frankie's story - formatted and soon to be re-released. Missing a few things, though. This was one of them. The interview for the next Italian Knight is right here, and like the other re-releases will be in the back of this sparkling new version. Just so you get to know them a little bit better. Well, it would be if it wasn't like pulling teeth with one of them... What? Oh, nothing Durante! Nothing at all. (Awks). Here's Durante and Ella (Emmanuella) of IK6, Verde, Bianco, Rosso.

·         Who are you closest to?

Durante

No one. That’s the beauty of self imposed isolation. What about Massimo? He lives in another country! How is that close?

Ella

My beautiful, sweet, darling son, Rufus. He may look like his dad, but the brains, the spirit, the fire? That’s all me.

·         What’s your earliest memory?

Durante

My brother, carrying me through our family’s olive farm in Napoli. Just before he showed me a snake, and tried to put it in my arms. My mother never forgave him for it.    

Ella

We went to Hamleys. Me, my mum and my sister. My mum told me to hold onto my sister’s hand, but Angela being Angela wanted to walk by herself. I may have let her go, and she may have walked into the path of a number 19 Routemaster and she may have almost got herself run over. I don’t think my mum’s quite forgiven me for that.

·         What’s your biggest fear?

Durante

Never being allowed to atone for my sins. Ecco, Billy. Self imposed isolation or not, everyone wants to be happy. In their own way.

Ella

Rufus deserves the world. And I’m scared rigid sometimes that I won’t be able to give him everything he does deserve. That I’m not enough as one parent, let alone substitute for two.

·         What are you best at?

Durante

Patience. Yes, I said patience. Yes, I am well aware of my surname. The answer remains the same.

Ella

I can cook, pretty well. I can speak several languages. Oh, yes, fluently. Maths. Horse riding. Swimming. Socialising. Not committing murder. Forgiving. Everything really.

·         Tell us something that will shock us.

Durante

Every tourist who has visited my estate has left alive. Barely counts. They’re still alive.

Ella

I’m really not that grieved by my husband’s death. Guilt? Yes. Grief? No. I’m evil aren’t I?

·         What do you value in a partner?

Durante

Brain cells.

Ella

Normality. I need someone to ground me. I’ve had more than enough excitement for a hundred lifetimes.

·         Describe the last time you felt happy.

Durante

Happy? God knows. Content? My first year in Tuscany. For the first time, I felt I’d done something I could be proud of. And I felt content. You can feel content without smiling. I’m smiling on the inside.

Ella

Me and Roo in Sicily. Just me and my baby boy. Building sandcastles. Eating lemon cakes. Perfect. I’ve never had a better time since.

·         What’s your biggest regret?

Durante

Don’t you mean who? That answers the question in its entirety.

Ella

Shouldn’t that be who? Well, it’s a tossup between dear departed David, the late hubs. And Angela. I should have pushed her in front of that bus... But then I’d have to change my list on things I’m best at. Regrets... I’ve had a few... Oh shush, I can sing!

·         What’s the one thing you’d change about yourself?

Durante

I’ve done enough changing. You have to take me as I am.

Ella

I’d really like to be less flaky. I’m a mum. I should behave like one once in a while.

·         What item can’t you live without?

Durante

My coffee machine. It saves lives. By the hour.

Ella

My amazing bicycle! Because cycling through Lucca town is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Apart from the bum ache.

Speak Now

Since it's a Bank Holiday, I thought I'd share this interview with you all. So here is the last of the IK interviews. I present to you Mrs Belinda Mary Afriyie and Signor Massimo Alvise Da Canaveze It's been a long time coming...

• Who are you closest to?

Massimo 

I like to think I am now extremely close to my sons and their respective wives. We now feel like a family. It saddens me that my late wife had to pass away before that happened, but as they say, God has a plan.

Belinda

The person I was closest to died years ago. Her daughter is all I have left and we keep on fighting. She's so cheeky! What do you mean, what did I say to her?

• What is your earliest memory?

Massimo

My father teaching me how to farm olives at the villa. I have many good memories associated with the villa in Naples. When I wish to be calm or feel at peace, I think of those days. My brother will tell you how hard work feeds the soul. I am inclined to agree with him.

Belinda

Swimming with my school friends. The beach nearest to my family home had white sands, the bluest water and it was hot. Not heavy hot, but pure heat. Like oven heat. You wouldn’t know because you live in this cold country.

• What is your biggest fear?

Massimo

That my children will share the same fate as their mother. I have nothing without them.

Belinda

Being cut out of Gina's life. I made a promise to her mother and I want to keep it. If she'll let me.

• What are you best at?

Massimo

Decorating. It is a secret pleasure. Naturally you are invited to the villa to verify my skills.

Belinda

Organisation. There's a proper place for everything. Yes including paper doilies. What’s wrong with them? Araba, you have no taste.

• Tell us something that will shock us.

Massimo

You can be married to a person for thirty three years and not know them at all. It inevitably becomes somewhat of a shock when they reveal their true nature.

Belinda

I collect underwear. Frilly ones, silk ones. All for me. Why not? What else am I spending money on? Yes they do fit my bum, don’t be so rude!

• What do you value in a partner?

Massimo

Shared cultural interests. At the very least an interest in me as a person and not as a commodity. 

Belinda

Faith in me. Faith in God. 

• Describe the last time you remember feeling really happy.

Massimo

When my daughter in law told us that she was pregnant. I am most looking forward to being a grandfather. 

Belinda

When Gina invited me to her wedding in Naples and I felt so blessed. I'm not crying, what nonsense are you talking about?

• What is your biggest regret?

Massimo

I try not to have those. It would lead me to a path where I would not have my children. A life without them is inconceivable.

Belinda

Where should I begin? I wouldn’t have married that bleeding Herbert Afriyie for a start. Kwasiasem.

• What is the one thing you would change about your life?

Massimo

I would like to share my life with someone. I believe I am older and wiser to select a better partner than I did before. 

Belinda

To find someone to share my life with. Someone who won’t upset the people I know and someone who won’t upset my priest.

• What item can't you live without?

Massimo

A decent blade. How else will you delicately chop porcini mushrooms? My dear girl, I have children your age. I know that look. What I am saying is the truth. I only use knives for cooking. Perhaps take some time to calm yourself.

Belinda

Hot pepper. Proper pepper not that oily business with little chillies in them. What kind of pepper is that?

Ginger Wine

This post will bring you all up to date with the Italian Knights and their ladies. This has been fun! I almost forgot about the trouble those lot have caused me. Continue to cause me. Yes, Tony, I'm looking at you. Last but not least, Frankie and her ginger ale provider, Luca 

• Who are you closest to?

Luca

My cousin Tony. I don't know what I would have done without him. Please don't tell him that, he'll get more egotistical than poss... Too late. 

Frankie

Oh god, I'm going to sound like a lame ass. My colleagues, Pardeep and Kate. They're amazing friends.

• What is your earliest memory?

Luca

Probably my father telling me that men don't cry. I was four and I'd dislocated my shoulder falling out of a tree. I don't remember the pain, or going to the hospital. Just my father, telling me not to be a fucking baby. 

Frankie

My mum giving me one of many perfunctory cards from the sperm donor and calling him the sperm donor to my face. You can imagine what that did to my self esteem. 

• What is your biggest fear?

Luca

Prison. Anyone who says it's like a holiday camp needs to take better vacations. 

Frankie

Being stuck in my mother's house for the rest of my natural life, the two of us becoming Miss Havershams. God, it's enough to make my stomach turn. 

• What are you best at?

Luca

Two things. Disposal and cooking. I suppose the two go together. I can't tell you what disposal means. I don't do it any more because I don't talk about it. 

Frankie

Defending myself. If I've got weaponry and you're threatening my personal space? I'm using it. Copper or no, don't start on me if you don't want a knife in your back or a glass bowl over your head. 

• Tell us something that will shock us.

 Luca

I haven't had sex in two years. Close your mouth sweetheart, it's not that bad. 

Frankie

I wish I had access to anti psychotics so I could drug my mother. If you met her, you'd understand. Hell, you'd be crushing up the pills to mix into her drinks for me.

• What do you value in a partner?

 Luca

Someone who enjoys food. Understanding and patience. 

Frankie

If he doesn't raise a hand to me, it'd be a start. 

• Describe the last time you remember feeling really happy.

 Luca

I genuinely can't remember. 

Frankie

Strike out, lovie. Next question. 

• What is your biggest regret?

 Luca

Just one? I'd have left Naples at eighteen and moved to be with my uncle in London. I'd have trained in culinary school straight away and I'd probably have a Michelin star by now. I feel like I've wasted time doing something else that gave me money but hasn't given me any peace. 

Frankie

Not trusting my own instincts because 99.9% of the time, those instincts are dead on. 

• What is the one thing you would change about your life?

 Luca

I'd have love. Someone I can take care of. Someone who reminds me what it is to have a real family. 

Frankie

I'd have someone to go home to. Are you sorting me out? Can he cook? And be tall? A hefty man that makes me feel all delicate rose-like.

• What item can't you live without?

 Luca

My Sugimoto knives. 

Frankie

My credit card. There are times when a girl need a banging dress. For eliciting the banging...

ebooks/best-laid-plans-ebook.html

Time Warp

Italian Knight Number 5 is on it's way and my way of celebrating is to remind you of the Italians that came before. Actually, IK5 was supposed to be IK3 but then these two below turned up and were all "tell our story first!" What could I do but obey the legal eagles? May I re-introduce you to Rocco Mamione and Anna Taylor...

• Who are you closest to?

Rocco

The man, the myth, the madness that is Beppe Nardiello. A close second is my Nonna, Elisabetta Mamione. Actually, Nonna and Beppe get on very well. There's a common thread. Madness.

Anna

As long as Imogen doesn't see this, because I have known her longer, but my best friend is Mimi Johnson. She's a surgeon and she reads me like only one other person ever has. And she didn't need to sleep with me to do it. No, that's not gross, Meems, chill out.

• What is your earliest memory?

Rocco

Nonna feeding me lemon cake in her kitchen in Palermo, Sicily. I can still taste that cake now and I understood my nonna's dialect. She's always been funny. Funny haha and funny crazy.  

Anna

Christmas Day. I couldn't have been more than three, I think. And my parents bought me a teddy bear and the thing was about ten times the size of me. I fell completely in love with it. So they were the ones that started the teddy bear obsession. 

• What is your biggest fear?

Rocco

That I'll make the same mistakes as my father and my family will be the ones that suffer for it.

Anna

Never having the same relationship that my parents have with each other. I don't know if anyone will love me like that.

• What are you best at?

Rocco

Ask Anna.

Anna

Ask Rocco.

• Tell us something that will shock us.

Rocco

I have never cheated on anyone. Ever. In my life. 

Anna

I know how to use guns. My daddy insisted. I wanted horse riding lessons instead. Kinda mean now I think about it.

• What do you value in a partner?

Rocco

Loyalty and trust. It can carry the both of you through anything. 

Anna

A little bit of goddamn loyalty would go a long way. And fidelity. Is it really that hard to stay faithful?

• Describe the last time you remember feeling really happy.

Rocco

Anna and I were in France. Skiing. And she said those three little words back to me. Nothing else has ever come close since. 

Anna

I went to France with Roc... my boyfriend at the time and maybe it was the grappa or the high altitude, but we told each other that we loved each other and... Yeah, well. Things never last do they?

• What is your biggest regret?

Rocco

All tied up with the woman a few offices down from my own. 

Anna

It sways between ever meeting Rocco Mamione and the decision to become a lawyer at all. 

• What is the one thing you would change about your life?

Rocco

I would have told Anna everything. Straight away. Maybe not straight away. Jesus, she was a hard nut to crack. Usually, all I do is show the tats and it's a done deal. Really? You want to look? Of course you can, bedda. You only need to ask... 

Anna

My life or me? Same thing right? I wish... I wish life allowed me to be softer. But when you are, people take advantage. Or someone builds a cake shop inside my house. One of the two would be good. 

• What item can't you live without?

Rocco

My Blackstones Criminal Practice book.

Anna

Wine. I defy you to find a solicitor who doesn't drink. A good solicitor. We need it. 

Lydia Take Your Time

Carrying on the Italian Knights and their Ladies of London count down to IK5, this is Tony and Lydia's interview. Brace yourselves, folks...:

• Who are you closest to?

Tony

I do have a best friend that I've known since I was four but now he's all loved up and shit not sure I trust him not to blurt out everything to his missus. Nicky, I'm only telling the truth, which you still can't handle. (You know I love you G.)

Lydia

My baby brother, Jonathan. I don't know what the hell what my parents were thinking, having another baby, when clearly, I should have been enough. But he's here and he's lovely. There isn't a thing he doesn't know about me. He is a teenager though, so maybe there's plenty about him I don't. Why are teenage boys such crafty little buggers?

• What is your earliest memory?

Tony

I, at the age of two, two and a half, thought it was amusing to pour a pound of sugar into our VHS recorder. See if the sugar produced any pictures on the TV. I do now on regular occasions replace my parents TV and DVD player just to keep apologising. Hey, it's how I get fed. Have you seen me? I need shit loads to keep going.

Lydia

Walking along La Pleasure beach, in Accra, with my mum. I remember how my mum had bright red nail varnish on her toes and my little dress was pink. I was three. And sand was freaking me out. 

• Describe the last time you remember feeling really happy.

Tony

I do think it was relief more than happiness, but having Lydia tell us, us as in me, Gina, Paul and Sofia that Nick was out of surgery and awake, that was pretty close to euphoria. I'm not gay, shut up.

Lydia

When Jonny got into college without a single hiccup. I've never been so proud!

• What is your biggest fear?

Tony

Does not compute, love. I don't have fears. If I had the brass palle to hack into the Swedish government database at the age of twelve,  nothing much is going to change that twenty odd years later. What do you mean if someone messed with my food? Has someone touched my food?

Lydia

Losing my family. I knew I was always going to come to London to work and be nurse, but the idea of being without even a single member of my family scares the beejesus outta me.

• What are you best at?

Tony

Working with anything technological. Dancing. Knowing exactly where to spank a woman to make her forget everything. 

Lydia

Practical, logical reasoning. And ignoring it to do exactly what I want.

• Tell us something that will shock us

Tony

I have no issues with my family. There. Now work me out.

Lydia

I'd have no problem ending someone's life if they interfered with my family. Trust me, I wouldn't even lose sleep over it.

• What do you value in a partner

Tony

If I say a decent rack, are you going to hit me?

Lydia

Persuasion. Kink. A little danger. But most of all, a love and understanding of what family means to me.

• What is your biggest regret?

Tony

Not hanging around hospitals enough. Could have met an Irish beauty much sooner.

Lydia

Ever going out with that eejit Kelvin.

• What would you change about your life?

Tony

My life is awesome. All it needs is a little addition called Lydia Atta Mills and it'll be even more awesome.

Lydia

I'd tell my pussy to calm down around Tony Caristo. For my own sake.

• What item can't you live without?

Tony

My phone. I can rule the world from it. 

Lydia

Food. Hold on. Does Tony count as an item?

Talk That Talk

So in the lead up to IK5, Massimo and Belinda's story, which is starting to make me feel a little embarrassed about how they completely lack any sexual inhibition but we'll get to that. I'm doing some in depth questions with the Italian Knights and their ladies of the realm of London, just so you feel you're up to snuff and ready for number 5.

First Up... Book 1, Windows and the delightfully obtuse Nick and Gina:

·         Who are you closest to?

Nick

Gina Robinson. She’s my female best friend. If I don’t distinct that, someone called Caristo is going to have a bitch fit. Gina and I met at university, hated it and decided to drop out. Life decisions that bond people forever. That and her killer body. She’s gorgeous.

Gina

Did Nick say me? He better have. We’ve shared some pretty hardcore things together. I mean, he’s seen me throw up after snake blood shots in Thailand. Wait, why am I friends with him again?

• What is your earliest memory?

 Nick

Probably running around my parents’ villa in Naples. I couldn’t have been more than three or four. Reminds me why I love Italy. When Paul was older, I’d chase him around the villa. My dad had to stop me from throwing him face first into our swimming pool. What? I didn’t want to kill him, he was being rude.

Gina

Erm, having my scalp yanked by my mum while she plaited my hair. We were in our old living room and it was dark outside, so maybe it was winter time. The older I got, the less the scalp yanking bothered me. I’m glad we shared that.

• What is your biggest fear?

 Nick

Admitting certain things and losing my best friend because of it. Female best friend, Jesus Tony, why are you so fucking insecure?

Gina

Being alone. It starts with secrets then grows into putting distance from your friends and then… No one calls you, no one wants to speak to you, no one comes to see you. It’s sad.

• What are you best at?

 Nick

You want the PG version or…? Yeah, it’s exactly what you’re thinking.

Gina

Cooking. I’d love to see anyone test me on a Beef Wellington.

• Tell us something that will shock us.

 Nick

If I tell you then I’d have to kill you. For real. I’m not even joking.

Gina

I kinda have an inappropriate crush on my best friend that’s developed into full blown secret love, but don’t tell him. Actually, let me think of something else and I’ll tell you. Don’t print this. Please.

• What do you value in a partner?

 Nick

A willingness to forgive. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I’m going to make mistakes. Obviously, I’ll do everything and anything to make it up, but I’d love it if it wasn’t thrown in my face over and over again.

Gina

Hard, toned, muscled abs. I’m shallow. So what?

• Describe the last time you remember feeling really happy.

 Nick

Any time it’s just me and Gina. With beer and pizza.

Gina

Really, giggly, this shouldn’t ever end happy? Me and Nick in Thailand, watching the sunset, smoking something we probably shouldn’t have because I really don’t remember what happened the next day. It was a stoned blur.

• What is your biggest regret?

Nick

There was a question I wanted to ask Gina and I punked out. I should have just asked, dick boyfriend or no.

Gina

I could give you a list. They’re all up there.

• What is the one thing you would change about your life?

Nick

My job. It’d make my life so much easier if I didn’t do it.

Gina

My marital status. Nick and I went to his cousin’s wedding and I watched them and thought, why the hell isn’t that me yet? Come on Nicholas, let’s do this!

• What item can't you live without?

 Nick

My glasses. I feel like a mole without them.

Gina

Dude, I have the best food mixer ever. Had. I sold it. I miss it. That’s why I’m depressed, I miss my mint green food mixer. 

And there we are. If you've read the book, you can read between those sparse lines that blogger won't let me change. Booo. Next week, Tony and Lydia!