Perfume

Little known fact about me. I have about thirty odd bottles of perfume. My olfactory senses are legendary. I can tell what a woman and sometimes a man is wearing if they drift past me. I’ve scented Philosophy, Gucci and Byredo on people sitting next to me on the tube – often because they’re wearing far too much of it and I’m slowly suffocating while an episode of The Good Place reminds me about treating my fellow human beings, rather than throwing said person off at the next stop.

I have my Spring fragrances like Jo Malone’s Red Roses or Peony and Blush Suede, my Autumn fragrance, Miller Harris’ Peau Santal, my winter moves Tom Ford’s Tuscan Leather and YSL’s Black Opium and my Summer vibes are about Narciso Rodriguez’s For Her Musc for the evenings and daytime is about Calvin Klein’s Truth an oldie but a goodie.

I used to wear Armani’s Code and was called “Dangerous” by a guy who passed me. Insulting and complimentary. It reminds me of some great times, when I was running around London like a dervish, causing all kinds of trouble. I had to stop my mother from “borrowing” my bottles because she decided she liked the smell. I used to wear Coco Mademoiselle non-stop until Lady London nicked it and then bought her own bottle. So now the scent is associated with arguing with Lady London that you can’t replace perfume without buying a new bottle. She disagreed; basing her counter argument on the fact that she’d given birth to me. So I owed her. I reminded her that she’d been fine until she had my brother. So it’s his fault.

On the masculine side, I’m a fan of sandalwood. Nothing gets the knickers off faster than the scent of wood and leather. I don’t know what it is, like it’s similarity to the working man, getting his hands dirty, working his muscles to chop wood, how good an open fire smells on a fireside rug… Tom Ford has a knack for scents that emphasise a man’s virility. Helmut Lang has the cleanest male scent – it’s the scent equivalent of a tailored suit. I put this in An Art To It, how Art used fresh lime as his fragrance. I swear to you, it works, smells incredible and it tastes nicer than a squirt of Gucci.

Smell is such an important sense, not only that it creates intense sensations instantaneously, but it revives memories, leads one into temptation, clears the mind, transports you across the world and sends a tingle from your throat, through your tummy to give your buttocks a squeeze, tickle your knees and caress your ankles.

Now I’ve talked myself into a horny pretzel, I’m going to apply this to an Italian or two.