The Romance Reviews

The Romance Reviews

Monday, 26 December 2011

Jingle Bell Rock!

Did you all have a good Christmas? Did you all get through half a huge bottle of Morgan Spice like I did with my Dad? Furthermore did you prefix that by peeling veggies and knocking back tequila? Lucky I didn't end up back in A&E (long story). Anyways, just to say happy holidays from me and Hank (the hot muse of mine - still awol) and 2012 is going to be epic!

Friday, 16 December 2011

Watch Me...


You know when you watch a hot actor on screen throwing the actress around like he's giving her his best moves and you think 'Goddamn, I wish that was me. I would ruin him. I would wreck that man for life. He'd be in a coma by the time I finished with him.'

That's exactly what this story is about. It's pure fantasy which is exactly what the Quel Scandale books are all about. Given how much tv I watch, this was inevitable. At the moment, my fantasy actor is a toss up between Joe Manganiello and Alexander Skasgaard. Who's yours?

http://www.sharaazod.com/ebook/set.html

Monday, 12 December 2011

Simple Gifts


I am waiting for someone, anyone to give me this gift. I want him on order, with a bow covering both nipples and lips all ready to work. Work dammit! Christina Lowe is soooooo lucky. She doesn't get Tiffany jewellery or Christian Louboutin shoes or even a brand new Kindle. No, Christina gets from her twin sister and her brother in law, one hell of a man. Dear God, my imagination sometimes only makes me feel very disappointed that I don't get what my characters do. Someone needs to make up for that. Preferably around 25 December .

Christmas Connection-EBOOK

All I Want For Christmas


Um, I was going to say something intelligent, but I keep getting distracted by the oiled muscles of my cover. Yes! Sorry. Christmas isn't always religious. For people who aren't born into my family that is and I wanted to do a story about how a paranormal gets around the holidays. The paranormals that live on the edge of our world. Pretending to be normal or hiding in the shadows. Don't they have any obligations? Spells to cast? Blood to gift wrap?

At Midnight, is about Oliver, a Nordic vampire who's got until the stroke of Midnight Christmas day to sort his life out or said life's going to be pretty damn short. Then again, Christmas is known for those tiny little miracle like things so maybe Oliver's about to get lucky.

I have been commanded to do a full length story for a character named all of once. When you read it, you'll see what I mean. Ooh, and Janet Eckford reminded me of a tune that entirely embodies the spirit of this tale. Massive Attack Black Milk Apparently, that means I gots to get writing. Dang and double dang.

At Midnight

Imagine


Did I ever tell you the story how Thirteen made me into a temporary lesbian with the story Pretty As A Picture? Such is the power of her words. Now I am totally in love with Geeks, if Big Bang Theory hadn't already scratched at the surface. Exchange Value is again a perfectly worded story that does what other authors would normally need another three thousand words to convey. You have Michelle, the pretty girl, poor girl with a brain sharper than a katana sword. Then you have Zak, the slightly creepy, super intelligent geek who would probably throw up if a beautiful chick looked his way. Add in the sort of repartee that would make a politics graduate want to pick up their books and serious sexual chemistry and you have a singularly smart and hot read. It made me miss my university days, when I thought I could change the world with my vision. If I get my own Zak, that's still on the cards...

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Waiting To Exhale





Marteeka is a clever bird. One Night Forever managed with a scant 49 pages managed to make me cry, sigh, rage and whoop in triumph. Cheated on by her boyfriend and left pregnant by him, Ariel makes the choice to keep the baby and ditch the [insert appropriate foul mouthed rant against such scum here]. Dr Damien "Take Me Now" Carter is on hand to make sure that the decision to ditch [insert appropriate foul mouthed rant against such scum here. I refuse to recognise him by name] is the only viable option since Damien wants to take up that empty space next to her labelled Love of Her Life. I'm yet to read a Kartland book that doesn't make me want to dry hump the nearest post and the tally continues. Perfect reading for a lunch break, trip home or in between making sure your cakes rise. Hehehe... Cakes rise... 


One-Night-Forever-EBOOK.html

From Romania With Love





Nevea! The saucy little minx, she has rekindled my love of a man with an accent, who can cook and who gives out free footrubs before he's even been allowed a kiss. If Ronni hadn't wanted him, I'd have thrown her out of the way, presented myself naked on a platter with sushi for him to enjoy. Luc, a stern Romanian, successful businessman with a painful past is all about the Benjamins when it comes to Ronni's software company. Until he meets her that is. Ronni is the type of woman you hope your children will grow up to be, sharp, gorgeous and full of integrity. I like my sexy with depth and real emotion. I'll freely admit (reluctantly admit) that I had a little weep for both of them half way through. Then I read the rest and well, tears dried on their own. Take a trip to Eastern Europe, enjoy a little Romanian and pick up a new language. It'll be good for you.


Romanian-EBOOK.html

Friday, 9 December 2011

Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie!

Dark Diva's Cafe has a 25 Days of Christmas Promo! All you need to do is leave a comment to enter!  

Put Out The Zombie - http://www.darkdivasreviews.com/?p=6967


Coming Home - http://www.darkdivasreviews.com/?p=6961


Negotiating Love - http://www.blackravensreviews.com/?p=7998


A Valentine's Love Story - http://www.blackravensreviews.com/?p=7990


Interlude: My Everything - http://theblackraveneroticcafe.com/?p=11215


Talking Dirty - http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/28419435/0/thereadersroundtable

The contests will run until 12:00 Noon (CST) on Sunday, December 11th. I have no idea what time that is GMT, so do it now!! 

Monday, 5 December 2011

@Last soundtrack


Dudes! I have been remiss! But voila, this is the music that inspired and featured in @Last:
1.           Who the devil are you? We Are Scientists - Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt http://youtu.be/Et9llKBJdEs
2.           Introductions: Barry Manilow - Mandy http://youtu.be/Q5IifdSv9Gk
3.           Interruptions: Ghostface Killer: Ghost Showers http://youtu.be/PHGqMNs9NFQ
4.           A Courtney in Paris: Yann Tierson La Valse d'Amelie http://youtu.be/RD3WwM6l1J0  
5.           Hos before Bros: Skunk Anansie: Get Off Me http://youtu.be/4iolnrWd0pI
6.           Arrivals: Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown: No Air http://youtu.be/WBKnpyoFEBo
7.           Fancy Dinners: Skunk Anansie: Secretly http://youtu.be/7M8UxZDk56o
8.           Leicester Square: LMFAO: I’m In Miami Beach David Guetta remix http://youtu.be/NQmvnhNaCDs
9.           Taxis Home: Frank Sinatra: I’ve Got You Under My Skin http://youtu.be/C1AHec7sfZ8
10.        Morning with the Boys: Kings of Leon: Notion http://youtu.be/NT6mB8N24_g
11.        Bad Emails: Tricky: Something in the Way http://youtu.be/mR5xSf-NxdM
12.        Flag Down The V Title: Damien Rice: Delicate http://youtu.be/dRPwFAoQwxc
13.        Dark Mornings: Heart: Alone http://youtu.be/1Cw1ng75KP0
14.        New Routines: Bloc Party: This Modern Love http://youtu.be/-oRlpGyI1rg
15.        Cider Solves All: Rihanna: Rude Boy http://youtu.be/e82VE8UtW8A
16.        Return of A Chris: Jay-z: 99 Problems http://youtu.be/WwoM5fLITfk
17.        Reyce Style Glamour: Swedish House Mafia: One (Your Name) http://youtu.be/PkQ5rEJaTmk
18.        Party Hard: Skepta: Bad Boy Lyrics - http://youtu.be/hIKmgrIfYno
19.        Bribery By Distraction: Rudenko: Everybody It http://youtu.be/fSAxcrWE2PA
20.        Melissa’s Back: Madonna: She’s Not Me http://youtu.be/PN5z4xlXre8
21.        Home Truths: Placebo: Running Up That Hill http://youtu.be/p5wota5vQCU
22.        A Place Called Lie: Florence and the Machine: Cosmic Love http://youtu.be/2EIeUlvHAiM
23.        Pub Lunches: MIA: Paper Planes http://youtu.be/ewRjZoRtu0Y
24.        No Chance Mate: Massive Attack: Psyche http://youtu.be/a8yaVSLJVLA
25.        Photos of Another Life: Peter Gabriel: Book of Love http://youtu.be/FmnDXRJ7btE
26.        One More Try: Mumford and Sons: Little Lion Man http://youtu.be/X7bHe--mp1g
27.        Epilogues: Jay-z ft Alicia Keys: Empire State of Mind http://youtu.be/0UjsXo9l6I8

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Ready To Start



Janet's made it really difficult for me to ask for what I really want for Christmas. A Sidhe Prince who can let me start over. 

Life In Two Parts is a thoroughly thought provoking tale about having the golden opportunity to live your life all over and do things differently. It's a startling wish, fraught with potentially dangerous what ifs and what abouts? It's a leap of faith, a mark of courage to leave your regrets rather than to see how one change can make a difference.

Augusta's battle to decide what to do, when she's reaching the end of her years will prickle at the tear ducts, even if you're a corpse. Daire's grief at the thought of being immortal while the one person he's ever loved fades slowly away was heartbreaking.

I love a story that stays with you long after you reach the magic words 'The End'. I can't give too much away because I really will spoil this for you. Read it and live it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring for you. So yeah, Janet, there are more of these dudes, right? I'm going to need a story for each of them. That can be your present to me! Thank you in advance. 

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Jingle Bells!



Just over three weeks until Christmas Day! So I'm celebrating with BTP with some free festive tales. I'm up first so get a look in:

http://beautifultroublepublishing.blogspot.com/2011/12/santas-other-family-by-billy-london.html

Keep visiting for more. We're on fire this month, I'm telling you!!

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Interview with a Zombie



Tape transcript of an abandoned interview. Interviewer Billy London. Interviewee Novak the Zombie.

BL: Just speak nice and clearly into the microphone.
NtZ: As oppose to shouting at your laptop screen?
BL: Look, machines are confusing. Why don't you introduce yourself.
NtZ: My name is Novak, I am a zombie deity, no rotting flesh or groaning. Unless you decide to do something silly, then I will groan. I'm around five hundred years old give or take and I'm six foot four inches and a quarter. The extra quarter's important.
BL: What's your favourite food?
NtZ: That's classified.
BL: (sigh) Alrighty, favourite drink?
NtZ: Whiskey.
BL: Likes?
NtZ: Chase and Status and a woman who can dance until the sunrises.
BL: Dislikes?
NtZ: Fire. People who use fire. People who think it's funny to set me up with hot women who can set me on fire. Authors with a twisted sense of humour.
BL: Now wait a minute. I am not twisted. That's a bit unfair.
NtZ: Is it? Woman, what's the one thing that will kill me?
BL: (quietly) Fire.
NtZ: Who'd you give me as an equal?
BL: Kamilah.
NtZ: Who can do what?
BL: Set you on fire, but she's getting it under control! You can totally help her!
NtZ: My sweet, deluded Billy. I am not in existence for fire practice.
BL: She's really pretty?
NtZ: Irrelevant. She has got a fantastic pair of pins on her. Which is besides the point.
BL: She's got trust issues, just like you. It'll be kismet.
NtZ: If I die at her hands? It's suicide.
BL: I know you like a challenge. Think of it as something to do.
NtZ: You know what I like to do and I like to take my time over it. I really don't want to turn into a ball of fire to allow my woman to enjoy herself. I'd reassess this if I were you.
BL: Er, it's all a bit too late really. Trust me!
NtZ: Let me just revise this for you. You gave a bad guy his best friend. A photographer ends up with a sweet fashion designer. There's a doctor who 'nursery school' plays his way to get a teacher. You let a techno geek have a nurse-
Tony Caristo: I am not a geek!
BL: Would. You. Go. Away?
NtZ: And you gave a musician an artist. All nicely balanced and fair. And what do I get? Me? I get a pyromaniac.
BL: It's a risk every man faces in a relationship. That he'll one day piss off his woman enough that she'll want to kill him..
NtZ: I just have to be in the same room as her!
BL:  Believe me, Caristo risks that every time he opens his mouth. So does Rhys Lloyd. Dude, honestly, you need to calm down and trust my vision. It'll be worth it.
NtZ: (sigh) It better be. Music's just starting to get good again. I don't want to miss it because I've been burnt to dust. You've got problems Billy.
TC: That's what I told her.
BL: I'm not talking to either of you.

Put-Out-the-Zombie-EBOOK.html

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Love In My Tummy


I realised I haven't done a soundtrack for An Old Cake Tale, which is sacrilege because I write everything to music. Actually, I'm that irritating girl walking along who starts singing to herself. What? I get carried away! So voila, music to bake to. Love or otherwise.


  1. Weddings Are Long: Sia - I'm In Here (Acoustic) YouTube
  2. Rhys cruisin' for a brusin' - Dan Black - U + Me YouTube
  3. Dance Off - Full Force - Ain't My Type Of Hype YouTube
  4. Trust Me - Wendy Rene - After Laughter YouTube
  5. Other Uses For Ties - Portishead - Glory Box YouTube
  6. That Man Will Die - Jay-Z - Roc Boys (And The Winner Is) YouTube
  7. Anniversaries Ahoy - Jamie T - Calm Down Dearest YouTube

Friday, 11 November 2011

Sky's The Limit


I had this idea in my head, please don’t ask me where it came from, that Elle D Hayes is an Apple Pie Mum. You know, happy, smiling, Snow White singing with birds at her windowsill chiming in. I adore her, so when I got my copy of Wynter’s Blossom, I was waiting for the Disney titles to roll. Oh how mistaken I was!

Speaking of Disney, remember when Bambi’s mum got shot? Yeah, that’s the sort of shock I got in reading this powerful piece of writing. Sarah Eriksson is a woman who has endured the loss of her father, a terrible violation and the birth of her baby Summer in one year. Steep hill for anyone to climb, let alone with the wolf shifter dimension to it.

Sarah’s sister Shiloh requests amnesty from the Unity Pack’s Alpha Wynter Grey. From the moment Wyn replies, accepting the three into his pack, you are there with them all. You want to hug Shiloh, in her need to protect her sister, tell her it will all work out. You want to hold baby Summer, let her accept you with a few sniffs, assure her that she is safe now. There are big bad ass wolves to look after her, her mum and her aunt. More than anyone you are with Sarah. Seeing her take her life back, regain her sense of self, and get her man. You want to put on a cheerleading outfit and roll out for her with each step she takes forward to becoming the Alphaya (I freaking love that word. Makes me tingle.)

It is a delicious tale, keeping you entirely enthralled as to what a woman can survive and be all the stronger for it. How a real man can handle not only dangerous situations, but his woman with respect, passion and love. Moreover how a real man can embrace a child as his own, regardless of biology.

The paranormal dimensions of this book are exceptional in an already very familiar genre. Elle gives it a credible military edge that doesn’t at all bend reality. Almost as if I expect to leave my house and run into a few wolves!

Every character sings with humour, depth, emotion, but the stage is firmly reserved for Sarah and Wyn and goddamn some fiery heat! I am so excited about the future of the Unity Pack and all of you should be too!

Always the quiet ones. Telling you.





Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Lights Go Down

Sometimes I think I forget that I haven't been doing this very long. Windows was published in February this year. And it was this time last year that Angelicsounds and I were debating what to put up on Literotica. It's now become so intrinsic to my nature to come home and write, to have full conversations with my characters, sometimes out loud and I have to pretend I'm talking into my phone. Seriously, I've been sprung like a mental patient.

There are days when I'll be cooking like Gina's right next to me and I'll get a hug from Nick for doing his favourite. Tony will generally always poke me in the side and demanding I listen to his insane theories. I've had Ryan tickling my feet and for me to go to the Portrait Gallery. Efia and Rhys are the bad influences when it comes to cupcakes. Oreo is their deal and therefore it should also be mine. Sofia will nod at a dress on ASOS that Courtney thought would suit me because I should look like a bit of a ho once in a while or no one will feel the ladies. Kamilah will hold my hand when I walk home under the scattering of orange and red leaves of the park and yammers away about Novak's mural and the tips it gives. Eva will always remind me to make sure that shadow is just that. A shadow and nothing more. Then when I'm done checking, I should have Gabriel play me a song. Massimo tells me that he's lonely. Rocky wants to introduce someone to his nonna. Luca desperately some peace. Beppe is crazy. Oh god, that dude is so crazy, I'll have to tell you about that one day. Auden doesn't want to be what he's been made to be and Helena wishes she could spend her life dancing in a forest with a bewitching man under the moonlight. Because of these wonderful and certifiable people, I rarely spent a minute alone. When I'm feeling like there are little hammers on the inside of my skull, I do wish they'd be bloody quiet.

This moaning is supposed to be a general apology for being all round lame. On the other hand, I am going out getting inspiration for what comes next, so you say I'm being rubbish, I say I'm researching. With prosecco. And pretty men. All in the name of my art. Honest guvnor!

Monday, 10 October 2011

Soundtrack to a Zombie

There was a lot of music involved in writing Put Out The Zombie. In addition to Violette Dubrinsky telling me to yoke my characters up and show them the pimp hand of justice so I could actually finish it, I have a whole playlist of goodies that inspired and made Novak and Kamilah do rather dodgy things. Some good. Some not so good. You get it when you read it.


  1. Inspiring the whole schbang: Kernkraft  - Zombie Nation
  2. Dirty Warehouse Rave - Chase and Status – Flashing Lights
  3. Dirty Warehouse Rave - Hadouken - Oxygen (Gemini Remix)
  4. Dirty Warehouse Rave - Deadmau5 – Raise Your Weapon
  5. What made me think I needed a Dirty Warehouse Rave - Underworld – Born Slippy
  6. Get Back To The Party - The Prodigy – Voodoo People
  7. Survival Is A Bitch - Chase and Status – Blind Faith
  8. Cemeteries Can Never Be A Good Place At Night - Wiley - Wearing My Rolex 
  9. Powers in Overdrive - The Prodigy – Firestarter
  10. Zombie Saviour - Tinie Tempah – Wonderman feat Ellie Goulding
  11. Congregation Meetings - Rolling Stones – Sympathy for the Devil Remix by The Neptunes
  12. What A Zombie Can Do Naked - Ginuwine – You Owe Me
  13. Family Warnings - Adele – Rumour Has It
  14. Lies of Reanimation - Kasabian – Doberman
  15. I Know What I'm Doing - Hans Zimmer – Batman Begins – Molussus
  16. Where It All Started - Hans Zimmer – Gladiator – Am I Not Merciful
  17. Something's Not Right - Snow Patrol – Somewhere a clock is ticking
  18. Battle Scars - Rolling Stones – Jumping Jack Flash

I've put YouTube links on my Facebook page so play at your pleasure. Or displeasure. I'm random, aren't I? But you know this by now. 

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Zombie Nation



Apart from being one of the best dance tracks of all time, this is also the title of the society of ladies who have sworn to uphold the wonder and mystery of the zombie. Change them. Make them unrecognisable but indeed delicious. Well, my heroine can't keep her hands off him. Given she can burn him to death, she probably should do. But I display my membership proudly! Put Out The Zombie is now here and he's smokin' off my cover. Isn't Shara Azod ridonkulously talented?

So take a gander, have a feel, see what my zombie tastes like. Then please feel free to come back and tell me I have issues. Because I probably do.


 Put-Out-the-Zombie-EBOOK

Monday, 3 October 2011

Talking Heads

This is the conversation that has been plaguing me for days:

Tony Caristo: Billy baby! Why are you ignoring me?
Me: I'm busy. Go bother Lyds.
TC: She's immune to my wind-ups. You wrote her, you know this.
Me: Be quiet!
TC: (sigh) Couple of months ago you were all over me.
Me: Oh Lord.
TC: It was like free buns at the cake shop. I was all nestled to your creative bosom. More if Lyds hadn't been paying attention.
Me: You and your obsession with breasts!
TC: What's wrong with that?
Me: So much I can't begin to tell you.
TC: Look, Bills, about this wedding. You've cut me out.
Me: I haven't at all, I've got stuff sorted for you.
TC: This neglect isn't right, woman.
Me: But this story isn't about you!
TC: So?
Me: Dude, you need to stop bugging me.
TC: Billy...
Me: Go away!
TC: You wait. I'm going to be hanging around, paddle in hand, just patiently waiting for you to go to sleep.
Me: Don't paddle threaten me.
TC: Get to writing then. Simple exchange.
Me: I'm telling Lyds.
TC: I dare you.
Me: Goddammit.

Do you see what I have to put up with? Threaten me with a paddle! Foolish Caristo, I will tell Lydia then he's in so much trouble, no one will hear from him until book six. On Caristos Watch Caristo on Amazon

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

Like all my fellow authors, music inspires me. Actually it gives me a kick up the bum and demands that I write. When I was writing Said The Demon To Little Miss Eva, I had to stop and listen to whatever ground me to reality or whatever made me feel a little naughty sexy. Anything other than sh*t scared. So I've got a list on my Facebook Page with links so you can have a listen and see what gets Eva excited. What gives Gabriel ideas. And what takes me to a whole other planet every time I listen to it. And yeah. I am beyond random in my music choices. You knew this already, ne c'est pas?

Billy London Page

Monday, 19 September 2011

Heads will roll...


Lookie at my new book! It's my first outing for Mocha Memoirs Press and it is an erotic romance horror. Yes, I think that is a new genre. Writing this book reminded me why it's good to live with other people, because I am a fully paid up member of the Scardey Cat Society. I heard a noise once in the room next to my bedroom, so what did I do? I locked myself in my bedroom and called my brother. Know what it was? Sod all. But hey, things aren't supposed to move independently. Kettles, radios, TVs and definitely not washing machines. You are not supposed to have weird dreams about monsters and dead women your neighbour has slept with. I'm weird, I know.

MMP Said the Demon

All Romance E Books

Friday, 16 September 2011

Hottie of the Century



I was on my way home from Sofarsounds yesterday when I saw a poster for Warrior and nearly got myself into trouble by openly expressing how I could steal it. It stars Tom Hardy whom I have been obsessed with for the past eight years, I think. He's the kind of actor in the same league of Daniel Day Lewis, a character actor who lives and breathes the role until it ends. Yeah, I said it. Same league as DDL (I still love you Daniel!). While Tom's had a turbulent life that rehab, the love of a good woman and a daughter has resolved, I don't care. He's got porno lips, dark eyes and that hint of crazy that nutters like me will always enjoy. I remember him in the BBC production, The Virgin Queen where he played Essex, Elizabeth I's first and only real love. She apparently whispered his name when she died. There's a scene where they are both in court and my god, the way he looked at her, blazed through every single person in that room!

Then he was in Oliver, as Bill Sykes, and genuinely he is the only Bill Sykes who has ever scared the living daylights out of me, plus he was acting opposite one of my favourite actresses, the gorgeous Sophie Okonedo which sealed the deal. After that came Wuthering Heights and having always considered Heathcliffe as an uncertified psychopath, I loved, pitied and desired that passion he gave in every single second. In Inception he stole the show for me as the English gent with a huge gun (hehehe), in Bronson he was the show, and soon he will be not only Bane in the The Dark Knight Rises but Mad Max in the reboot coming soon! So let the record show that I have been worshipping at the altar of the Hardy for a damn long time. So I didn't come to this party late, I damn well started it. Drool at your leisure.


Sunday, 4 September 2011

Changes

Where has this month gone? I was going to say I've done sod all useful but it's not entirely true. I've learned my writing limits in finishing the edits for my horror story and completing my zombie story (ZOMBIE NATION RISES). I realised I need boundaries. Feet on the ground. Spells and powers and otherworldly issues are hard work! Seriously hard! Like beef jerky left out in the middle of the desert for a year and a day hard. Anyways, take away the paranormal aspect of both stories and I think the message in them is about survival. Going through a terrible experience and coming out the other side, stronger, better and maybe, sadly harder.

The heroine in my horror believes she's escaped her past, but the irritating thing about history, is that you turn around and it'll be standing in front of you at your art exhibition telling you off about a t-shirt. Well more freaky things than that happen. Then there's Kamilah, who refuses to be labelled as a victim and is all about survival. And pate. Because that stuff is so worth surviving. There were parts of both stories that I absolutely adored writing, and then there were the 'ah, that's not going to work' parts that required my brain to work. Which I don't like so much.

So August was all about stretching comfort zones, and channelling survival of some dire personal experiences. In other news, I am totally all over Nick and Gina's wedding and giving Massimo Da Canaveze a little hope. Hands up for older men?!

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Different World



Shirelle Higgins is a secret gangsta. You did not know this? I will explain to you why. From one of the funniest BTP challenges to date, spurred from er 'interesting' submissions, Ms Higgins took one look at this challenge, said to it 'yeah, what, bring it!' And bring it she has in the form of the story 'Wolfwitch'.

Bobbie is a woman under the thumb of her abusive were husband, struggling to exist in a world that rejects her as an abomination. It doesn't help that in enjoying a little rare moment of freedom, she is kidnapped by a vampire talking all sorts of illogical nonsense around a wolfwitch. James is the vampire charged with trying to negotiate a deal that will maintain balance with the paranormals, as the wolfwitch is a powerful entity who can control the shift of all weres. Bobbie is a gut wrenching, sensual siren of a distraction whom James knows to the core is his mate. But she belongs to another man, who could hold the future of weres in his careless hands. Wolfwitch is a subtle sensual story that has put a completely original, fresh and unusual spin on werewolf folklore.

James is the most human and emotionally aware vampire I've ever read of. His strength is not just physical, it is emotional, spiritual - words one doesn't necessarily associate with nosferatu. It doesn't make him any less dangerous or ruthless. Bobbie is funny, sweet and when the time comes, a warrior. This story also has possibly the sexiest scene of the year - when you get to it, you'll know what I mean. I adore a story that has an impending sense of doom about it and unfulfilled 'we-can-never-be' love. In this short, bizarrely delicious read, Shirelle gives a new twist to what is generally accepted as the norm in paranormal (see what I did there?). I have a good feeling that it will turn into a series, exploring the rather brilliant premise of Wolfwitch. Howl at the moon, y'all. Howl at the moon...

Wolfwitch-EBOOK.html

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Roads


Janet Eckford is ridiculously smart. How else is she able to not only make me think but be so deeply connected to her characters that I was dreaming about them days after I finished the book? Gasp, she's a master hypnotist! That's what she means by working in mental health! 

And back to sensibility. I've gone a bit loopy in excitement because I finally read 'Time for You and Time for Me'. It's a story that follows a path of pain and healing between two quite extraordinary people, Leland and Morgaine. They find each other in dark circumstances but find that love is their salvation. There is something about Morgaine's past experiences that made me want to weep (okay I did) and I'm desperately trying to not give anything away! What I loved about the story, apart from Morgaine's ability to embarrass Leland, was that her usual tricks for swaying the male persuasion didn't work on Leland. He is without doubt the definition for her of what it is to be free and at peace with herself. For him, Morgaine is to accept love wholly, no barriers, no excuses. Oh my god, I'm welling up again! 

Good god, Ms Eckford can't half turn a phrase. When she said she was kick ass, the lady wasn't lying. 

Nab your copy here if you haven't already. I'm going to raid the Eckford back catalogue poste haste. 

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Human Behaviour

My day job constantly challenges my faith in humanity. On pretty much an hourly basis. But then, sometimes someone will do something so startlingly wonderful it needs to be acknowledged.

On The Sweetest Taboo forum, I discovered a member who is giving gift certificates from Beautiful Trouble Publishing to struggling students:

http://s14.zetaboards.com/The_Sweetest_Taboo/topic/6672170/1/#new

Her profile name is Bajan and I just wanted to say publicly to her: thank you so much. Generosity is rare, especially when everyone is tightening their belts. Cheers to you!

Monday, 1 August 2011

It's all so quiet

Grrr. Hank's gone on sabbatical. I've got stuff to finish, most pressing being my Zombie, who is turning out rather sexy. It's entirely unintentional that I have him wandering around mostly shirtless. Entirely. I may have to protect him from grabby dibsers. The other thing I've started to do, is dream up things that will happen at Nick and Gina's wedding. But for any of that to be on paper/screen, I need Hank to come back from his little jaunt. I have a feeling it's because I went out on Friday and accidentally flashed my knickers in showing off my tattoo. It's hard to show it without flashing underwear if I'm wearing a dress, rather than separates. Don't know why he's even mad, the whole tattoo thing was his idea! Anyway, if you see him, tell him to get his sexy bum back to London asa-flaming-p.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Be My Queen



Please get used to seeing Violette Dubrinsky's name all over this blog. She's got some fantastic stories coming up soon, and Warrior is one of the best.

For those of you in the know, Warrior was a Literotica veteran before The Purple Lady got zshushing. I didn't get to read it then, so I was coming to this tale with fresh, eager eyes. The story features fearlessly strong Jaisyn, Princess of Lytheria, eldest of three beautiful daughters. Upon her father's death, Jaisyn has to contend with challenges that force her to consider alliances she would never have dreamed of forming, but to save her sisters, Jaisyn would give everything. And its the unconditional love she has for her sisters that lands her in a marriage with Vulcan Mor'an, High King of the Northlands, who more than believes he has a right to Lytheria. It's just unfortunate he happens to be the man she's sworn to hate for all eternity. The rest of the story is packed with fast paced action, love, treachery of the highest order, suspense and excitement in the fall out from Jaisyn and Vulcan's union.

Dubs, you've done it again. You know a book is exceptional when you can see the whole story as if it's playing on some 52 inch widescreen in 3D. The scale of this story is simply epic, Hans Zimmer score in the waiting. The characters were all extraordinarily detailed, vivid and to be truthful, a lot of crazy vein running through some of them. There are shocks and twists you won't even begin to see coming until your face is aching from the slap of it. The core relationship between hardcore Jaisyn and hot-brute Vulcan is so ridiculously sexy and pretty nuts. I'm sure in alternate universe their servants are all having therapy sessions to cope with the trauma of what they witnessed. It's a mighty tome of work, but each word, each thread weaves into magic. You will invest in these characters, major and minor, and see damn good on your return, to the point where you're trying to reach into the story itself to kick some ass. There are sequels in the pipeline for each of the St Ives sisters. I'm particularly greedy for Varian's tale, Vulcan's brother. Mmm, Mad-eye-sexy...

Get a copy of Warrior, settle down for some serious reading time and be whisked away to a world where you need to be packing your broadsword, or go home. I cannot say enough good things about this author. Carry on Dubs. We are expecting... 

Friday, 22 July 2011

The Amazing Anthony



Tony's here! It only took months of prodding and 'where's my man' and 'why are you keeping me and my man apart' from Jayha and 'hurry up with this' from The Jeanie for me to crave the silence and Hank to get out of his lazy chair to give you On Caristo's Watch.

https://beautifultroublepublishing.com/xcart/On-Caristos-Watch-EBOOK.html

I can't wait for you all to dive in and see what a gentle giant he is! Who's damn cheeky. Who's technologically insanely clever. Who likes to spank. Sorry, he's kinky like that.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Sexy Back


World, this is Tony Caristo's cover. Tony Caristo, world. Tony don't spank the world so hard. It won't like it as much as Lydia.

I am sooooo excited about this, I cannot even begin to tell you!!

Monday, 27 June 2011

Cover of the Week


I won somat! I never won somat! Thank you for voting - IRMC Books website is fabulous for getting the skinny on all forthcoming releases, sexy cover votes, author interviews and much more. Once again, I WON SOMAT!!! And Billy is calm. (tiny woo hoo!)

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Blue Velvet

Oh dear. I've hit a bit of a brick wall. Actually a lot of a brick wall. I knew my Superman/Clark Kent trying to juggle two different roles thing would catch up with me eventually and it has. I would love for the day to come where all I do is swan around in my big arse mansion and write all day every day. The day is yet to come. I have a day job - sucks. I have a life - impacting on everything else and Hank has gone on a Muse holiday - or knowing Hank a Muse stag do (bachelor party). I'm stuck dudes.

Fortunately, I have access to the Woman Who Knows (Jayha Leigh) who told me to take a break.  I will. I don't know how it'll work hopefully in the finding of the Zen, Zen will happen all by itself. Come on Zen, hurry up man I gots things to do!

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Ascending To Outer Space



I now have the biggest girl crush on Marteeka Kartland. I can't help it. So much so, I've dubbed her Freaky Teeky. I do have a reason for this worship. I read two stories from her Wanted series, the second of which is Vodka Shots.

It features Russian Dmitry, who is mad. Mad, mad, mad. Mad as a cow with a well known disease, and with good reason. The woman he loves has not only left him but betrayed him to the Consolidation. He's out to find her, capture her and make her suffer for every minute he suffered. Karri had to make a sacrifice for her child, which meant giving up Dmitry and it broke her heart. The danger the two face is not just in getting Karri's child back, but what happens when Dmitry catches up with Karri.

I have never wanted to jump a man more than when I finished this story. Marteeka isn't just smart and ridiculously talented (she does her own cover art) she's bold. There's a line in this story that made my jaw hit my laptop, then made me break a rib laughing so hard. She writes with such clarity of thought and the beauty of her word weaving is that you are instantly pulled into the world with the lightest of descriptions, you know where you are, you know what the limitations are, you know who is who, they be getting busy and they are not going to apologise about how good that loving is going to be. I would recommend start on the first book, White Russian just to get comfortable (and uncomfortable in other places if you know what I mean!)

You won't love Dmitry to start, but damn if he won't throw you down on the nearest space bed and make you love him. He proves his worthiness within sixty pages of intergalatic erotica. The cherry on top are the secondary characters, one of which got me into so much trouble. There was a treaty and negotiations and, I don't know what. Totally worth it though, the man is melted chocolate on caramel on peach cobbler with toffee pieces delicious.

You know what, just thinking about this is getting me all hot and bothered again. I'll catch up with you later. Phew! Hot in here...

http://www.changelingpress.com/product.php?&upt=book&ubid=1613

Sunday, 12 June 2011

To the Right and Down South

Don't get me wrong I love Ghanaians and I write about them because I know them. Mostly due to their voices still ringing in my head from years ago. But while I was writing about Tony (still doing it, not finished yet, please don't hurt me) I wrote a short story about a Zimbabwe girl married to a Scottish soldier who has just finished a tour in Afghanistan. What? Why make things simple?

Anyways, I picked Zimbabwe for two reasons. One, because one of the nicest women I've ever met talked of her home country with such love and disappointment and grief that I thought er 'what if...' and on the other because well, I had a very good chat with a Zimbabwean lawyer who reminded me that responsibility for justice is global. I'm very keen on the global justice. Makes interracial interaction easier. Okay three. I wanted to venture from Ghana. See if I could do it. Actually the best judge of that will be y'all. So let me know what you think when you have a read.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Rolling In The Deep

You've seen my post about how much I freaking love Violette Dubrinsky, right? Well! She's doing a series called The Dark Gods Saga. There are so many Greek Gods to play around with, I expect to be reading new ones when I'm eighty and showing parts to my husband and say, “Remember when we were able to do that?” For him to say, “Woman I did that to you last night!”

And back to the Purple Lady! I don't know what to say other than, dayum! This book knocked me sideways. It was not at all what I was expecting, leaving me astounded. Okay, let me start with some sense.

Remember Thanatos from Fallen? Remember he had a twin brother? Yes, my jaw did that too, stick with me. In Bound beautiful blond Hypnos, god of sleep and dreams is held and tortured to the point of death by Marissa, a succubus of the worst kind. By some god-like miracle, he is helped to escape and as he heals, he plots wicked revenge against Marissa. When he's finished with her, there won't be a trace of her left in Olympus, Earth or the Underworld, to beings awake or asleep.

Quietly struggling with her own pain, caused by her own existence, is succubus in hiding, Katrina who happens to be the spitting image of Marissa. Katrina is in Hypnos' sights for vengeance that only a dark god can conjure, regardless that it's mistaken identity of the highest order. Now, I can't go into too much detail because I will spoil it for you. But I do want to say this.

There are some people who pooh-pooh romance/erotic writers as fluff. Because it features a happy ending or it's about love, so it couldn't possibly have the depth or richness of intelligence that one would apply to a for example 'Cloud Atlas'. The same people should sit down and read this book and tell me the same thing when they are finished. It gets dark, dangerous, and there is an deep emotional understanding about this story that brought me pretty damn close to tears. The essence of this book I believe is forgiveness. And how love itself is dependant on other emotions to support its survival. Bound is sharp, vivid, almost recklessly sexy – makes a girl want to do bad things! It's also a love that is as sad, beautiful and moreover as everlasting as all the greats. Get reading and get breathless people.

PS Violette, if my family finds out about my plans to get a tattoo, it's totally your fault.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Busy Billy

I've been really quiet recently - blogging wise anyway. I did a mini total of what I've been up to in the last few months, what with family, my 'day' job, getting published, birthdays, weddings, cat babies. It's been mad. Which is why I resonated with Nevea Lane's blog post:

http://nevealane.wordpress.com/2011/06/02/resurrected-and-ready/

Sometimes we all need to stop and take a breather. Which I did for all of an hour before in the middle of scribbling Tony's story, I stopped and did a really short story about a reunion sealed with a kiss. I didn't mean to, it just popped into my head! Don't worry, I'm still all over Mr T. Caristo, I just had a brief diversion. Which is finished. Promise. Back on the road with everything.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Spin Off

I'm a bit nervous about this. I've started writing Tony's story. Tony is Nick's best friend and all round technological wizard from Windows. It sort of means me going through Windows in detail and reminding myself what he's like. Ever so slightly weird, I know, but I want to do him justice and plus, the dude is pretty important. He's a bit of a ghost and yet as blatant as hell. Personality wise, he's all sorts of light and dark but nowhere near as conflicted as the Da Canaveze men. I'm seeing where I can go with him. Leading me down all sorts of dark and sexy paths. I know I'm in trouble when I give a character a surname. So world, meet Tony Caristo. Tony Caristo, the world. No need to be gentle. He can take it. He'll take it and he'll love it. The dirty blighter.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

A Lady Who Vlogs And Tells...

Drea Riley is a busy lady! If you don't know her, she is an author and all round wonder woman at Beautiful Trouble Publishing. I can't keep up with her! She is currently doing video blogs over at YouTube, venting and reviewing and chatting and generally parting wisdom to all. Plus she says nice things about me, so I'm very chuffed!!

Have a look see!

http://youtu.be/u8Be_TOROnE

It also begs the question - are you a blogger or a vlogger? Sounds quite filthy, but I'll go with it.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Grazie!

Little bit of vanity checked in today, and I went to the BTP website to see how Windows is doing sales wise. Bloody hell people, it's only gone to the number 1 spot! That's all thanks to you! You for threatening to cut me! You for telling me that the story wasn't finished! You who didn't believe why so called Miss Independent Gina would just let Nick play alpha male with her body! [That comment did make me laugh on Literotica to the point of tears] You who told me that I needed to reconsider the ending as I had it! Especially that last comment, because I didn't think I'd be able to do it. The light bulb was in the words 'you can avoid all the cliches that Mary Alice mentions' and that's what started the old brain cogwheels turning for the greater good. And I wish you hadn't made that comment anonymously, because I want to thank you personally! Having words of wisdom from Angelicsounds and Jayha did part of the job (okay a lot of it!) but you did the rest. You pushed a button in me that sent my muse Hank into a frenzy. He didn't leave me alone every day for two months until the tale had been told. So thank you. In times when writing has been the escape I've so badly needed in some really tough, tough times this is honestly one of the best surprises ever, ever, ever! I wish you all yumminess!

Now who wants to pick it all apart with the da hells and the wherefores? I'm up for a chat to psychoanalyse Nick, Gina, Tony, Massimo, Sofia, Paul and Mary-Alice. Let me know and we'll arrange! 'Cited my lovelies!

Saturday, 30 April 2011

Ambrosia Goodness from Violette Dubrinsky



I freakin' love Violette Dubrinsky. I felt pretty much so touched by angels when she replied to me on a website thread, which made reading this story a 'with serious pleasure' on the to do pile.

Fallen is the tale of god of Death, Thanatos [totally dibsing by the way] who gets on the wrong side of Aphrodite. For Thanatos' rejection of her, she wrecks a devastating revenge on him. It's partly his own fault, he's far too sexy for his own good. His punishment is to live a mortal life. No powers, no sexy little hand maidens, no ambrosia. After a hundred years of human life, he has the extraordinary chance to beg reprieve from Zeus, King of the Gods at the Monster Ball.

Simone Randall is a journalist who is lucky enough to get a much coveted invitation to the event of the year, the Monster Ball. Hot dress? Check. Journalistic nose twitching? Check. Insanely hot, burn-my-panties-off-me-with-a-look god in the guise of a man to show her there is more to life than work and her cat? Check, check and check.

I adore Greek mythology and this story was sensual, sexy and clever going so much further than surface lust of two people meeting but two people meant for one another in the literal sense of the word. The prose was fluid and evocative in a way that just made me feel every touch, every kiss, every little taste. Any story that has a girl bringing a god to his knees is one that needs to be in your life. Go forth and indulge.


Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Distractions


Easter was fabulous! I got to see a really good friend in Yorkshire and chill and eat rubbish I'm not normally allowed to eat (mmm Jaffa Cakes....) And I got to do this as well! I held a mo' fo' snake people!! Yes, it is tiny and it was like holding a pink snake belt that moved by itself... but as the girl who did a hundred meter dash back into her house when she even thought about a snake coming near her in Ghana, I like to think I've done rather well.

Anyways, I need to get back to the muse, Hank. We're sexing up sham immigration marriages tonight. Sometimes the old day job is rather useful. Yes, Hank I'm getting back to it. Soz.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

A piece of cake

I tend to get carried away. You should know this. Windows is 80,000 words. So when I was asked to take on the Tag You're Writ! Challenge and write a short story featuring cake, my immediate response was 'I don't do short'. But I went to a friend's wedding, had wine, had cake, danced a lot to Haddaway's What Is Love and came home filled to the brim with romance, and love and... well cake. And I came up with this




https://beautifultroublepublishing.com/xcart/An-Old-Cake-Tale-EBOOK.html

Okay, it's not short short but for me, this is like running a marathon! So there we are! A bite sized piece of Billy for a quick sexy little read. Let me know what you think!

Thursday, 14 April 2011

A Special Occasion - And Not Just Me Reading


I love anything that challenges my rather old fashioned perspective, so it was with glee that I dived into Thirteen's A Special Occasion.

Regina is blissfully married to a worshipful, giving, strong black man Clayton, and keeping to the first rule of a good marriage, Clayton is on his way to making sure his wife has the most incredible birthday. With a particular little gift that you can't wrap. Well you could if you put a bow somewhere choice...

This story presents (ha - witty little moi) the dilemmas that comes with the much desired, ethical minefield that is the menage but treats the subject with a romantic, lyrical delicacy, a lightness of literary touch which lets you float into a world without making you try to decipher absolutely everything that could go wrong with such a scenario. It's sexy, it's escapist and more importantly respectful.

While this subject isn't really my bag, I do believe everyone should free their minds and give this a read, if nothing else, just to witness a dedicated husband giving his wife everything she could possibly dream of and more. And why the devil shouldn't he?!



Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Writing High

I tried to explain to my mum what writing is like for me. I took out for dinner as a belated Mother's day present (minus the chocolates, wine and caramelised nuts she got on the Sunday). While she was making contented cow faces at the foie gras she had chosen without blinking at the price, I made an analogy. "So when you do gardening, you feel satisfied with what you've done don't you? You feel you've achieved something, right?
"Not that you people appreciate," came the mumbled reply.
"Well, mother, it's like that for me when I write. It's never work. It's my gardening. I feel better when I do it. You know when I get cranky and moody and irritable and there isn't enough peach tea to make me communicate with anyone? It's because I haven't written anything."
She gave me a strange look. "Is that healthy?"
Good point, ma. I don't know if it is, but maybe being able to craft people and events to the backdrop of where I live just makes me do a bum heavy dance around my room. I came up with a line yesterday which actually made me laugh out loud. I told my brother, the test of a great funny, who snorted and said, 'Good one Billy.'
So I'm feeling on my game right now. On the radio show a few weeks ago, I told Jayha that if it ever came to the point where I was just writing because it was a matter of doing and not feeling, I'd have to stop writing altogether. I doubt it will happen, because quite frankly, it's a cheap and easy way of betting bonanza-ed.
I know. I need to go out more... But you know, if I substituted writing for any drug I'd be in trouble. I mean, Jayha showed me a cover and said, 'Write me a story for this'. Protesting and squealing about how many other stories I had to concentrate, ideas started to swirl around in my head, goddammit! They are brewing now, to the point where I actually wrote a whole scene for it and I've named all my characters. All of them. It's Jayha's fault. That's my new default response. 'The Scottish guy did it' will also be appropriate in all other lines of defence. Whatcha think? Is writing like crack?

Thursday, 7 April 2011

More Blog Talk

I am loving these radio shows! Have you listened to all of them?

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/beautifultroublepublishing

If you were able to join in on my little chat (aka Billy laughs like a maniac for two hours) thank you so much for joining us. It was hilarious.

What we're also going to try and do is sort out a chat for all of you who've read Windows and want to get into the whys and the wheres and the who the hells. I shall keep you posted. Now, apparently I'm to be chained to my laptop so back to the grind stone.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Blabbing on Blog Talk Radio

Busy busy busy! I'm doing this interview with Jayha tonight 7 - 9 EST which is 11pm - 1am in the morning my time! You can ask me anything! (Make it about six packs!)

London Calling Interview with Author Billy London 02/04/2011 - BeautifulTroublePublishing Internet Radio Blog Talk Radio

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Getting some

So you know my muse is called Hank, right. That's just the way it is - it's a whole therapy session in waiting. Anyway, post the horrors of edits I honestly thought I'd find it squeamish to write a love scene, especially when the proofreader asks why a dick is having an emotion. It wasn't. I was confused. Yes, a good bang tale always benefits from music to inspire you as to how toe curling, skin singeing, voice box straining, window breaking amazing sex can be. A few days ago Hank, my hot muse, kindly reminded me that it's all about The XX. That they're from South London is just bonus. Ear-gasms all the way y'all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1l4pDXbkic

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Second Album Syndrome

@Last is out to buy today! I love this story. Probably because it sails a bit too close to days where I was rather naughty myself. Yeah, I'm not explaining myself, you'll read it and the 'aha's will reign in the air. I mean do you remember when you first discovered how much more fun emails were when they had sod all to do with work, and everything to do with a man asking you to describe exactly what you're wearing and how you're going to take it off for him? And then all the expectation you have from meeting someone you've been talking to and emailing for ages - and he turns up and he's not a squat mushroom with bad breath and octopus hands! He's instead the far end of ridiculously, steal your breath, change your underwear, take the underwear off, catch me I'm going to swoon, fi-hine! Look down:

https://beautifultroublepublishing.com/xcart/At-Last-EBOOK.html

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/%40-last/15150055


 That's the hotness I'm talking about. I was being a little silly right up this morning. I was really lucky that I had such an amazing response with Windows, I was worried that I had given my best and would not be able to meet the expectation of the next one. Mental note: I am really needy. It's all by the by, because @Last is one of my best. Ryan Klark is one of my favourite heroes. Because he is beautiful and nutty and flawed and he understands and loves my girl Courtney like no one else ever could. What am I worried about? Feel the heat people, Billy's on a roll!

Friday, 11 March 2011

Man catch up

I'm always told I watch too much TV. I can't see that as a bad thing. If I didn't watch so much TV, I'd have never 'met' Jared Leto. Jeremy London. Blair Underwood (oldie but a damn good goodie). Ian Somerhalder. Ed Westwick. Peter Facinelli (sorry fuck Twilight, he looks so much better in Nurse Jackie). Joe Manganiello - I mean goddamn, have you seen the abdominal muscles on that man? I mean good God on earth! I've kind of glanced at his face, and he's good looking, but his body is crazy. Like Michaelangelo worked him over. Oh and I'm not counting Kiefer Sutherland in 24 as man was in his own league before I even knew what the hell a TV show was. Two words. Lost Boys.

What is it about a television character that gets us all hot and bothered. Is it that they're right inside our homes, and therefore just one step away from the bedroom? Questions I'd ask myself if I wanted to give myself a headache in the eyes (thank you Jayha).

My new victim is this baby: Shiloh Fernandez. I know he has the same name as one of the Brangelina brood. We'll let it go. He was just in one episode of Gossip Girl and made me just about stay awake during Jericho but I'm all excited because he's in Red Riding Hood! And boy looks gooooood!



See now, if I didn't watch TV, I would have had no warning as to how hubba hubba on a barbecue with hot sauce and a side of wings this man is. But I do. So I'm prepared. And I won't embarrass myself in a cinema by bursting out: 'Phwooarh! He's fit!' I can do that at home. Not in public.

Yeah, he's in my bed tonight. Because I have a laptop. I'm going to socialise with real people soon, don't worry. I'm okay.