Sunday, 20 November 2011
Interview with a Zombie
Tape transcript of an abandoned interview. Interviewer Billy London. Interviewee Novak the Zombie.
BL: Just speak nice and clearly into the microphone.
NtZ: As oppose to shouting at your laptop screen?
BL: Look, machines are confusing. Why don't you introduce yourself.
NtZ: My name is Novak, I am a zombie deity, no rotting flesh or groaning. Unless you decide to do something silly, then I will groan. I'm around five hundred years old give or take and I'm six foot four inches and a quarter. The extra quarter's important.
BL: What's your favourite food?
NtZ: That's classified.
BL: (sigh) Alrighty, favourite drink?
NtZ: Chase and Status and a woman who can dance until the sunrises.
NtZ: Fire. People who use fire. People who think it's funny to set me up with hot women who can set me on fire. Authors with a twisted sense of humour.
BL: Now wait a minute. I am not twisted. That's a bit unfair.
NtZ: Is it? Woman, what's the one thing that will kill me?
BL: (quietly) Fire.
NtZ: Who'd you give me as an equal?
NtZ: Who can do what?
BL: Set you on fire, but she's getting it under control! You can totally help her!
NtZ: My sweet, deluded Billy. I am not in existence for fire practice.
BL: She's really pretty?
NtZ: Irrelevant. She has got a fantastic pair of pins on her. Which is besides the point.
BL: She's got trust issues, just like you. It'll be kismet.
NtZ: If I die at her hands? It's suicide.
BL: I know you like a challenge. Think of it as something to do.
NtZ: You know what I like to do and I like to take my time over it. I really don't want to turn into a ball of fire to allow my woman to enjoy herself. I'd reassess this if I were you.
BL: Er, it's all a bit too late really. Trust me!
NtZ: Let me just revise this for you. You gave a bad guy his best friend. A photographer ends up with a sweet fashion designer. There's a doctor who 'nursery school' plays his way to get a teacher. You let a techno geek have a nurse-
Tony Caristo: I am not a geek!
BL: Would. You. Go. Away?
NtZ: And you gave a musician an artist. All nicely balanced and fair. And what do I get? Me? I get a pyromaniac.
BL: It's a risk every man faces in a relationship. That he'll one day piss off his woman enough that she'll want to kill him..
NtZ: I just have to be in the same room as her!
BL: Believe me, Caristo risks that every time he opens his mouth. So does Rhys Lloyd. Dude, honestly, you need to calm down and trust my vision. It'll be worth it.
NtZ: (sigh) It better be. Music's just starting to get good again. I don't want to miss it because I've been burnt to dust. You've got problems Billy.
TC: That's what I told her.
BL: I'm not talking to either of you.