When You Believe

I was going to try and attempt to write my feelings on Kobe Bryant’s passing. Given the man was the same age as my older brother and he has a three year old daughter, coupled with the fact that I am extremely close to my father and I couldn’t comprehend my life without him, I know I don’t have the range to quantify my feelings right now. It’s all too terrible and too much.

Instead, I’m going to excise my feelings on a rando coming into my mentions to be loud and wrong on each of his tweets.

Sorry! Spoiler alert 🚨 If you haven’t seen Sex Education Season 2 STOP READING NOW!

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Eric Effiong is my favourite character by far and away. He’s from a Nigerian/Ghanaian family who like most West African families attend church and are close knit. Eric’s pride in his sexuality culminated last season with his very African very religious father stating openly how proud he was of him. So this season in complete contrast to the last one, Eric has a boyfriend - the dangerously sexy and worldly Rahim. We don’t know a whole much about Rahim but he seems to know a lot. Except, it seems, how to behave around other people with tact and humanity.
After pushing for an invitation (Eric did buoy it up with singing and plantain how can mandem resist?) Rahim attend a church service with Eric and his family.
It’s a blackity black church - gospel choir in robes and traditional clothing.
After being asked whether he is Muslim, Rahim announces that he’s atheist and doesn’t believe in God. Awkward sitting in the church you pressed to attend, but okay! The pastor welcomes Rahim and says “Jesus is with you.” Rahim says “I’m sorry I don’t believe in Jesus.”
Bear with me, it gets worse. Then as they’ve left the church (forty five hours later) Rahim declares Eric’s family as “sweet because they think the ‘God stuff is real’ and obviously Eric only pretends to go along with it to ‘keep the peace’.
If that isn’t telling that Rahim has no idea as to who Eric is - man who showed up to his prom in a gelee, a full face of glittery makeup and false lashes - would go to church and believe in God ti keep the peace, I don’t know what else. Eric states boldly that he does believe in God. The response is “how can you believe in a God that doesn’t think you should exist?”
Pause - I’m getting there.
He then adds that, “My family had to leave their country because of religion. Doesn’t make any sense to me.”
And ends the conversation with “we’ll agree to disagree.”
Let me start at the beginning: Rahim has no home training. His family moved to France from where? We don’t know, we’re never told. But they had to leave because of religion. You would have therefore had some modicum of a religious upbringing to understand the implications of not believing - especially as Rahim is supposed to be a teenager. Not practising your faith ie not praying with your classmates or work colleagues or not attending services with extended family members. You would have in the past to know the rituals and to explain your reasons for leaving the country. To understand the risks of non conformity - what it will cost you and your family to follow a different path - you would have started out conforming before the divergence. With any history of religious upbringing there is undoubtedly respect for places of worship and leaders of said worship. That doesn’t become undone by fleeing from persecution - it reinforces it. I know - I’ve made those applications for those seeking asylum. Just as I would cover my head in a mosque, I wouldn’t rush to the Iman and say “nah don’t get any of this business.” It blew my mind that he said to a pastor’s face “I don’t believe in Jesus.” Are you without sense?
At base level, having been welcomed by the members of the congregation - it was plain rude. High key, why are you embarrassing your boyfriend like this? Why would you do that? He’s finally sharing an important piece of his life with you and this is how you react. And people were okay with this?
Then the side swipe “you don’t believe in this stuff.”
Why would you assume that having left the church your boyfriend expressed so much joy and enthusiasm for? If you are an atheist it’s very difficult to explain to someone what faith can give you. If you are someone who has turned away from faith because your beliefs do not align with your former religion it’s even harder to understand why you would embrace something that has effectively rejected you. Rahim wasn’t there when Eric was being bullied. The church was. It was a constant. A distraction. A time separate from school to be at peace.
I like to visit places of worship when I travel and feel that same sense of peace in me when I sit and sit in stillness. When the world moves at a hundred miles an hour, that stillness can be glorious and uplifting in the same way meditation is.
Eric can pour his effervescence his spirit his joy into the music. Gospel is music for the soul and no one can tell me otherwise. Eric isn’t known for peacekeeping. Eric pushes boundaries and served looks while he did so. He boldly proclaimed “take me as I am or do one!” In nail polish, in traditional clothing, in lengthening mascara, to his beautifully presented core.
Ultimately, Eric’s belief in God is none of Rahim’s business. God and church are separate entities. If they weren’t, the things that man has done in the name of God would have made me an atheist too. Man told woman she couldn’t spread the word of the Lord (according to the church) and this never sat right with me considering women were the first ones to discover that Jesus had risen from the tomb. Man has dictated a lot of “should and should nots” protecting violent men from rightful persecution and lining their pockets with blood money. This is still separate from a person’s relationship with God. If anyone can point to me where in the bible Jesus says “you don’t exist gays! Begone!” I’d be grateful.
If God is where Eric finds his comfort, his faith, his steady path - why is Rahim questioning that? Why would you question that of someone you love? If it doesn’t make any sense to you are you even willing to listen? You want everyone to know you don’t believe in God and your partner is foolish for doing so. The patronisation irked my soul. No two Gods are the same or even share the same name.
I always come back to the scene in Atonement. The soldiers at Dunkirk singing Dear Lord And Father Of Mankind, knowing they’re stranded, that they may be bombed to death at any moment and yet they sing. Because they believed. They prayed in song for deliverance or God’s peace on their souls. Would someone like Rahim rush up to them and say “why are you singing when your God has abandoned you?”
Probably he would - just to show he knows better because religion cost him his home. Religion didn’t. Man did. Man’s terrible interpretation and lack of simple humanity did.
Having filled out enough divorce petitions for people whose faiths took different paths while believing they could maintain a marriage, I know how important it is to have respect for what the other believes. If you can’t respect your partner’s understanding and commitment to God, you won’t enjoy the same in your own relationship.
There are some things that doom a relationship. There were many in Rahim and Eric’s but his casual dismissal of something that had been present in Eric’s entire life was the beginning of the end. I said so and a bitch was right.
Now, I’m not saying that the church doesn’t have a whole bible of work to do in being more inclusive and welcoming all people; this is undeniable. Look at what the Church of England put out recently reserving sex for married hetero couples when the creator of the Church of England literally did it so he could divorce his first wife and marry several others. Further that the Church has been complicit in abuse and protecting perpetrators. There are gay Christians and this is your message to them? Doesn’t sound Christ-like at all. That’s what I mean by God and man being separate. And it doesn’t change Eric’s love of his God and his church because his boyfriend thinks he’s trying to keep the peace by believing. Gays are not a monolith. As a worldly teen (supposedly) Rahim should know that.
Man didn’t even like musicals! He had to go!
That was my beef and distraction today. And today of all days is not the one to question a person’s faith. In an undeniably cruel world where children are killed with their parents in senseless accidents, faith can be all there is that pulls you through until tomorrow. Never underestimate or deny that power. It’s not your place and if you truly love someone, you never will.

Let's Do It Again

Is this month ever going to end? It's been January for 84 years and I've had enough of it. I'm not doing any of the restrictions for this month. It's hard enough as it is without inflicting more misery on myself. I'm sticking with sugar - just reducing, although I made about a hundred pieces of salted caramel fudge yesterday and it's delightful! I have one meatless day a week - not doing it the whole month when I have so much bresaola that expires next month and I'm not paying for the gym when I'm saving for the two hundred holidays I'm taking this year. Yay me!

Anyways, given the longest month of time, I thought enough of that has passed for me to not spoil owt but clarify what songs go with which bit of Murano. I haven't done that for my previous books for fear of giving key things away. And I feel like we're at the stage where it's time for a second read and a second read with tunes as I maestro intended. Lol! Me going on like I'm Paris Hilton at a gig! You've known me long enough to understand my musical leanings, my love and adoration of Sir Hans Zimmer, that I'm so obviously an eighties baby judging by said musical leanings and that the strangest songs will make me emotional for no reason. If I told you the number of times I listened to I Know What I Do just staring at a wall crying, you wouldn't believe me. Routemaster to the rescue was born from being on the N44 streaking through London roads after far too many lychee martinis and praying the bus would go faster so I could throw up in peace. I don't travel anywhere without music, so Hans kept the need to projectile over my fellow passengers at bay. Now it's tied up with Bep being... well Bep. I maintain Radiohead should have been given the Spectre song which is why it's included so I can't listen to it without coupling it with sleek, silencer-ed weaponry. And I can't include Smack My Bitch Up unless a bitch is gonna get smacked up. Said bitch does get smacked up. And it just makes me love Mimi more.

So there we are. A glimpse behind the thought process of what goes into my tracks. There's a reason for the weirdness. Always. Gosh, really wish I could apologise to my English teacher. I was always convinced that she looked for meaning behind everything when it could be that the author just wanted something that way. Now look at me - giving parallels.

Nope! I take it back!

Murano on Spotify

An Old Man’s Path

• Progeny – Hans Zimmer

Giuseppe Nardiello

• Hey Mami – Sylvan Esso

Lost Boy/Wendy Darling

• You See All My Light – Jacques Greene
• Change Is Everything – Son Lux

Last Wedding

• The Dream of Gerontius, Op 38/Pt 2 Praise to the Holiest – Edward Elgar

I think I want to see

• It’s Magic – Dinah Washington

Goddamn Sheen

• Too Original – Major Lazer

Sweet Sixteen on Coke

• 212 - Azealia Banks

Come out with me

• Playinwitme – KYLE ft Kehlani

Date Musicals

• Suddenly, Seymour – Rich Moranis, Ellen Greene

Nonna’s Speakeasy

• Sing, Sing, Sing – Benny Goodman
• You Give A Little Love – Paul Williams

Mini Cab?

• Ultralight Beam – Kanye West  

Marseille! Marseille!

• Palm Trees ?Téoذ

I Have Never…

• Shadow & Light – Martin Luke Brown

Defiling The Inner Sanctum

• Surprise Yourself – Jack Garratt

Leisurely

• Waking Up – MJ Cole & Freya Ridings

Fractured Family

• Back To You – Benjamin Gordon

This Is Beppe

• I Am – Rock Mafia ft Wyclef Jean

Neighbours

• Breathe & Stop – Q-Tip  
• Tell Me That You Love Me – James Smith

The Sacrilege

• Oh Baby – LCD Soundsystem

Why Are You Still Here?

• Same Drugs – Chance The Rapper

Happy Easter

• Movement – Hozier

Dear Sg Nardiello

• The Gulag Orkestar – Beirut

Darjeeling Comfort

• Not Dark Yet – Bob Dylan

That’s Not My Name

• Lost Boy – Ruth B.

Tomasina’s Protection

• Lie – Halsey, Quavo

New Start

• Do You Remember Jarryd James ft Raury

Routemaster to the rescue

• Fear Will Find You – Hans Zimmer

34 Letters

• Hell To The Liars – London Grammar
• War Prayer – This Will Destroy You
• If I Go, I’m Goin – Gregory Alan Isakov
• Slide – James Bay  
• Cloudbusting – Kate Bush
• Don’t Forget About Me – Cloves

The Safe House

• On The Nature Of Daylight – Max Richter  

An Italian Kiss

• Decks Dark – Radiohead

Book Me A Table At Claridges

• Elephant – Tame Impala
• On Thin Ice – Hans Zimmer

It’s A Trap

• Set This House On Fire – Nick Vallee

On the Common

• I Know All What I Do – Jack Garratt

Casual As Fuck

• Overture – Michael Kamen
• Romantic Flight – John Powell

Solemn Stag Do

• Hard Place – H.E.R

Venezia To The Bone

• All For Us – Labrinth

I Know Who You Are

• Selah – Emeli Sandé

She’s Dead

• Strange Weather – Anna Calvi ft David Byrne

Chances in Zurich

• Alone In the Dark – Will Cookson

Brace Yourself, Wendy Darling

• Carry You – Novo Amor

The Night Before

• when the party’s over - Billie Eilish

The Weirdest Day

• Outro – M83
• God Only Knows – John Legend and Cynthia Erivo
• The Vow – RuthAnne  
• Etta James – Til There Was You

An Assassin’s Mistake

• Under Attack – Kin Palo ft Amy Stroup

My Lovely, Brand-New Wife Amelia

• Smack My Bitch Up – The Prodigy

He’s Got Two

• Mean Demeanour – Run The Jewels

Waiting

• Ruelle – Take It All

Nice Work

• Mount Everest – Labrinth

In Deep Water

• Why Do We Fall – Hans Zimmer

Checkmate

• Vasily – Martin Phipps

How was the wedding?

• We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow – Soko  

Epilogue

• What You Won’t Do For Love – Luke Burr 

Murano on Amazon

Maze

I wasn’t going to start my New Year this way. I really wanted it to be a positive, glowing opening chapter to what will be an awesome year.

But people are trying to interrupt my joy, so leggo.

You may have seen a few things that have happened over the last few weeks – a certain royal couple deciding to step back from senior royal duties; an incredibly successful artist stating that he agreed 100% that racism exists in Britain; the absolute dearth of nominees of any colour in the BAFTAs; a talented actor who has been part of a huge movie franchise being free to call out the nonsense he has had in his mentions for years.

In conclusion, I live in one of the most racist countries in the world. Why? The bare faced denial that anything in the above is based on the fact that the above people have become ‘uppity; and the word has been applied to all of them. Ideas above their station. And if they don’t like how things are here, they should leave. That they’re playing the racism card. That they keep bringing up race, so in truth they are the real racists. They can’t provide any proof so it can’t possibly be racism. It’s so much worse everywhere else in the world, so they should be happy living here.

To be gaslit is abusive. It’s one of the pillars of abusive behaviour, to control the way the victim thinks, feels, to undermine them, to make them uncertain of their very selves, to make them question their own very real, very lived experiences to mollify and content the perpetrator. That’s what racism in the UK is like. Constant gaslighting. And it’s so subversive, sometimes, it’s only truly visible when someone else says, “Goddamn, that was racist!” that your third eye opens and you realise what you’ve been trying to defend is a broken, one sided relationship. After the Brexit referendum, I was very fast to defend cries of xenophobia against the UK given the voices of a broad spectrum of BAME voters who were sold £325m worth of lies. It’s like someone insulting a family member. You can do it – but no one else should dare! I’ve reached the stage of “It’s what she deserves.”

I’m going to focus on the B in BAME as that’s what I am and that is my experience. I’ve experienced racism since I was five years old. From being told about my skin colour (and not in a flattering way) to the expectation that my breasts would make it impossible for me to be a dancer. I’ve been to hospital and been queried if my pain was genuine. To my doctors and told that I’m obese according to the BMI (which is inherently racist). I’ve been met with surprise as to my profession, my articulation, my education. I’ve been met with disgust as to my hair being ‘messy’, my body being overtly sexual (even covered from head to toe and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked what I charge and for what). It is misogyny and racism together – misogynoir in perfect balance. But, if I were to say any of this in a public forum, guaranteed someone and normally that someone will be white, will happily tell me that none of it was racism, but ignorance and people just being stupid and I should ignore it. Or worse that my success, my education, my professionalism is proof that racism doesn’t exist.

How do you ignore repeated, continuous incidents that chip away at you? How do you excuse behaviour that causes hurt and pain and disappointment as stupidity? You do if it never affects you. All this outrage and surprise that this the golden goose of a country could be so vile. The same country that colonised three quarters of the world (and didn’t use any of the spicing they found in their food). The same country that created the blue print for maintaining misery and despair on plantations (honest to God a Brit wrote a diary/guidebook on treating slaves – from castration to defecating in their mouths to rape and beyond). The same country that participates in wars and doesn’t think it has any responsibility for the refugees it creates. The same country that gave citizenship to tens of thousands of people, only to “lose” their paperwork and put them on the first flight back to what they asserted was their country of origin. Look at our current Prime Minister. Jesus, look at the one before him! Look at the track record of the government. Look who is quick to say “look at me, I’m proof that our country is multicultural and not at all racist” and question their motivation for being so damn loud. One minorities success does not negate the existence and prevalence of racism.

This country has been racist for the longest. My mother remembers where she was and wasn’t allowed to rent properties because she is a black woman. My father remembers why he lost management roles to his lesser qualified colleagues. My uncle, who served in the British Army, told me what it was to be a black man with white officers who were supposed to have his back. None of it has disappeared. It’s evolved to what it represents today.

“No that’s not racist.”

“I haven’t seen any racism.”

“Why do you keep bringing it up? That makes you racist!”

“You can’t prove what you’re saying so you’re relying on the old racism card. It’s been declined by the way.”

Witty, motherfucker. And yet, still untrue. It is not a card to be played. Where are the benefits? Where are the terms and conditions? Where are the extra rewards for use? No where to be seen. It is a way of invalidating minorities. Are you tired hearing about racism? Try experiencing it in a never-ending cycle of keeping you down where you are perceived to belong.

This year, in an effort to maintain my sense and sensibility, I’m not taking any questions. I’m not hearing any comments. I have completed Level 40 of deniability and accountability of White People and that’s enough for my lifetime, no thank you, try next door. 2020 is the year of “no, not to-fucking-day”. I’m not explaining. I’m not providing examples. I’m not entertaining what you can quite easily Google. If you want me to, then send me an email, put a £500 deposit in my PayPal account and I’ll do it. You’ll get an invoice for further questions. Stupid questions get an uplift fee of £250 plus VAT.

I highly recommend Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge. (Dr Reni Eddo-Lodge btw!) If anyone can explain this in a better way than I, it’s absolutely her.

To end, I leave you with this quote from @athenakugblenu “Why do we have to explain something to white people that white people invented?? Did they lose the manual?”

And last of all, read my book to distract from all this nonsense! Murano IK7 is on Amazon for you.