Maze

I wasn’t going to start my New Year this way. I really wanted it to be a positive, glowing opening chapter to what will be an awesome year.

But people are trying to interrupt my joy, so leggo.

You may have seen a few things that have happened over the last few weeks – a certain royal couple deciding to step back from senior royal duties; an incredibly successful artist stating that he agreed 100% that racism exists in Britain; the absolute dearth of nominees of any colour in the BAFTAs; a talented actor who has been part of a huge movie franchise being free to call out the nonsense he has had in his mentions for years.

In conclusion, I live in one of the most racist countries in the world. Why? The bare faced denial that anything in the above is based on the fact that the above people have become ‘uppity; and the word has been applied to all of them. Ideas above their station. And if they don’t like how things are here, they should leave. That they’re playing the racism card. That they keep bringing up race, so in truth they are the real racists. They can’t provide any proof so it can’t possibly be racism. It’s so much worse everywhere else in the world, so they should be happy living here.

To be gaslit is abusive. It’s one of the pillars of abusive behaviour, to control the way the victim thinks, feels, to undermine them, to make them uncertain of their very selves, to make them question their own very real, very lived experiences to mollify and content the perpetrator. That’s what racism in the UK is like. Constant gaslighting. And it’s so subversive, sometimes, it’s only truly visible when someone else says, “Goddamn, that was racist!” that your third eye opens and you realise what you’ve been trying to defend is a broken, one sided relationship. After the Brexit referendum, I was very fast to defend cries of xenophobia against the UK given the voices of a broad spectrum of BAME voters who were sold £325m worth of lies. It’s like someone insulting a family member. You can do it – but no one else should dare! I’ve reached the stage of “It’s what she deserves.”

I’m going to focus on the B in BAME as that’s what I am and that is my experience. I’ve experienced racism since I was five years old. From being told about my skin colour (and not in a flattering way) to the expectation that my breasts would make it impossible for me to be a dancer. I’ve been to hospital and been queried if my pain was genuine. To my doctors and told that I’m obese according to the BMI (which is inherently racist). I’ve been met with surprise as to my profession, my articulation, my education. I’ve been met with disgust as to my hair being ‘messy’, my body being overtly sexual (even covered from head to toe and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked what I charge and for what). It is misogyny and racism together – misogynoir in perfect balance. But, if I were to say any of this in a public forum, guaranteed someone and normally that someone will be white, will happily tell me that none of it was racism, but ignorance and people just being stupid and I should ignore it. Or worse that my success, my education, my professionalism is proof that racism doesn’t exist.

How do you ignore repeated, continuous incidents that chip away at you? How do you excuse behaviour that causes hurt and pain and disappointment as stupidity? You do if it never affects you. All this outrage and surprise that this the golden goose of a country could be so vile. The same country that colonised three quarters of the world (and didn’t use any of the spicing they found in their food). The same country that created the blue print for maintaining misery and despair on plantations (honest to God a Brit wrote a diary/guidebook on treating slaves – from castration to defecating in their mouths to rape and beyond). The same country that participates in wars and doesn’t think it has any responsibility for the refugees it creates. The same country that gave citizenship to tens of thousands of people, only to “lose” their paperwork and put them on the first flight back to what they asserted was their country of origin. Look at our current Prime Minister. Jesus, look at the one before him! Look at the track record of the government. Look who is quick to say “look at me, I’m proof that our country is multicultural and not at all racist” and question their motivation for being so damn loud. One minorities success does not negate the existence and prevalence of racism.

This country has been racist for the longest. My mother remembers where she was and wasn’t allowed to rent properties because she is a black woman. My father remembers why he lost management roles to his lesser qualified colleagues. My uncle, who served in the British Army, told me what it was to be a black man with white officers who were supposed to have his back. None of it has disappeared. It’s evolved to what it represents today.

“No that’s not racist.”

“I haven’t seen any racism.”

“Why do you keep bringing it up? That makes you racist!”

“You can’t prove what you’re saying so you’re relying on the old racism card. It’s been declined by the way.”

Witty, motherfucker. And yet, still untrue. It is not a card to be played. Where are the benefits? Where are the terms and conditions? Where are the extra rewards for use? No where to be seen. It is a way of invalidating minorities. Are you tired hearing about racism? Try experiencing it in a never-ending cycle of keeping you down where you are perceived to belong.

This year, in an effort to maintain my sense and sensibility, I’m not taking any questions. I’m not hearing any comments. I have completed Level 40 of deniability and accountability of White People and that’s enough for my lifetime, no thank you, try next door. 2020 is the year of “no, not to-fucking-day”. I’m not explaining. I’m not providing examples. I’m not entertaining what you can quite easily Google. If you want me to, then send me an email, put a £500 deposit in my PayPal account and I’ll do it. You’ll get an invoice for further questions. Stupid questions get an uplift fee of £250 plus VAT.

I highly recommend Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge. (Dr Reni Eddo-Lodge btw!) If anyone can explain this in a better way than I, it’s absolutely her.

To end, I leave you with this quote from @athenakugblenu “Why do we have to explain something to white people that white people invented?? Did they lose the manual?”

And last of all, read my book to distract from all this nonsense! Murano IK7 is on Amazon for you.