Happy Valentine's Day!
To celebrate, I've re-released one of my favourite stories featuring Ryan the Deflowerer as he's been named and Courtney the Deflowered.
And if you haven't read this one before, let me tempt you:
@Last on Amazon
@Last on ARe
From: Billy London
To: My Lovely Readers
Subject: Blurb
Date: 14 February 2015
Courtney is the good girl waiting for childhood crush Christopher to realise she’s the one for him. Unfortunately for Courtney, her sweetheart is a tosser. Anyone with eyesight could tell her, if only she’d listen. Christopher jaunts off to South Africa to apparently teach English to underprivileged children, but who knows what he's up to? While he’s there, Courtney catches the eye of one Ryan Klark, another teacher who attempts to educate her on the folly of her love. Instead, Courtney is the one who teaches Ryan more than a few things, and the friendship they strike up through cheeky emails, phone calls and letters from Paris is deeper and stronger than anything Courtney has experienced before. Before she knows it, their lighthearted correspondence turns into something romantic, then rather dirty, then more necessary than air. When Ryan comes back to London, Courtney is ready to enjoy all the perks of being with a person who likes you back! Only they both forgot who Ryan was in South Africa with. It doesn't matter, because Ryan's perfect. Right?
From: Billy London
To: My Lovely Readers
Subject: Excerpt
Date: 14 February 2015
From:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
To:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
Date:
23 February 2010
Re:
Little Miss Observant
Thank you for the compliment! Brightened an otherwise
pointless day. Ta ta for now.
From:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
To:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
Date:
23 February 2010
Re:
Er…
Who are you? Did you mean to send that email to me?
From:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
To:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
Date:
24 February 2010
Re:
Sherlock Holmes type explanation
Of course that was for you! I’m Ryan. Chris forwarded
that email you sent to him with the picture of all the teachers at my school. I
quote: “Who is that seriously gorgeous guy standing next to you? Is he single?
Is he from England? Please say he is…” Embarrassed yet? Good. Don’t worry about
balancing the tables. I’ve already seen a picture of you from Chris’
collection, and you aren’t too bad yourself. Actually, you’re pretty hot. Did
you know Chris has got a picture of you in a bikini floating around?
I wouldn’t get too excited. It’s something to keep
Melissa on her toes when she thinks that no one else could possibly be
interested in him. Don’t grieve for him, Court. It won’t last. He can’t keep
his hands off anything female around here. Sorry. Not helping, am I? But let’s
be honest, I live with the guy and I know for a fact that he’s selfish,
inconsiderate, tactless and vain. Fuck. Just got told to get out for smoking. I
need to smoke when I write to you. I’ll tell you why in—
From:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
To:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
Date:
27 February 2010
Re:
You and your weirdness
You’ll tell me... What? I’m guessing you got chucked
out before you could finish the rest of that sentence? And wait, you need to
smoke when you write to me? Forgive me for not finding that flattering. And if
Chris is supposed to be your friend, it’s hardly fair that you’re slagging him
off behind his back.
From:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
To:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
Date:
03 March 2010
Re:
You and your touchiness
I spent time writing that email, so I thought you
should have what I’d done if you couldn’t have it all. Reward-like. I don’t
slag Chris off behind his back. I make sure I do it to his face. He laughs it
off because who wouldn’t love worship and adore him? ‘Cept you. Even his girlfriend
doesn’t. You must have had a crush on him for years to be still wearing those
pink Specsavers. Yeah, I got that from your emails.
Now to the why I smoke when I write to you. No
offence, but you take a lot of effort to entertain. A cigarette is a tension
reliever to ensure I give you as much of the giggle as possible. Sometimes I
have one after, like that post-coital puff. A reward for doing so damn well.
Now for the love of God, what is happening in EastEnders? Who are all these new
people? Where the hell have they come from? I don’t have time to read through
any rubbish on Twitter, I want an honest Londoner’s opinion.
You’ll be mad with me for a while, but when you’ve had
enough of the rage, do us a favour, yeah?
Take advice from an honest observer: he’s absolutely
not worth your energy, Miss Phillips.
From:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
To:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
Date:
12 March 2010
Re:
You
So what, writing to me is like sex? You are really
disturbing. Have you had mental help? Although you sound like my best mates.
They have been telling me repeatedly to find someone else. All right for them.
They have guys softening the path they tread. I just have my mum’s foot spa. So
Chris isn’t worth my energy, but why are you? And I still don’t know who you
are, when you seem to know an awful lot about me. Again I am very, very, very
scared.
From:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
To:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
Date:
13 March 2010
Re:
Whatever you want to know
a)
Name: Ryan Edward Klark
b)
Age: 24, birthday 24th September
c)
Hair: brown, curly, my pulling point and hours of
wasted time
d)
Eyes: green
e)
Height: six foot one
f)
Current city: Cape Town, South Africa. Home town:
London.
g)
Distinguishing features: two tattoos (you want to
know where, you’ll have to ask me later) and one scar beneath my eye after
walking into the corner of Gran’s new dining table at two years of age.
h)
Place of Birth: rainy day at four in the morning
outside the Ivy in the back of a taxi. Mother patently unimpressed by arrival.
i)
Mother’s name: Lydia
j)
Father’s name: Ryan (Yes, I’m junior.)
k)
First girlfriend: at five years old. She was a
little brunette called Katie who married Thomas McKenzie the next week. It
broke my little heart.
l)
Worst habit: smoking, and biting the skin around
my thumb. Both disgusting. Trying to give up the former, latter I have been
doing since table trauma. Sorry.
m) Favourite
Author: Bret Easton Ellis
n)
Favourite Music: Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire,
Jay-Z, Ghostface Killah. If I add Barry Manilow will you judge me?
o)
Favourite TV Shows: South Park, The Inbetweeners,
24, True Blood.
p)
Favourite Film: God knows. Pick anything and I’ve
probably enjoyed it.
q)
Favourite thing to do with a free hour: write to
you, get mildly pissed and drive absolutely nowhere with good music, and take
pictures. I love photography. It’s what I do when I’m not teaching.
r)
What am I missing? What else do you need to know?
Are you going to email me ever? Or shall I expect further blanking for days on
end?
Kiss kiss darling, bonsie bons, good day. Uh oh. New
manager’s going to chuck me out for having a beer in here. You know what? I’m
having a new laptop shipped over, so I’ll stop winding this café up.
From:
Courtney Phillips yapalot@g...
To:
Ryan Klark rudejoker@h...
Date:
13 March 2010
Re:
The Madness
Did your mum drop you as a baby? She must have done,
as you are quite insane. Why are you drinking at four in the afternoon? Just
because you look like you should be on stage with a bass guitar in skinny jeans
doesn’t mean you should act like some rock diva. And that’s not your birthday.
That’s mine. Well, two years later anyways.
You’ll be glad to know that I like nutters, as long as
they don’t plan long and painful deaths for me.
Look, I’ll tell you what’s going on in EastEnders as
long as you don’t do anything weird during my emails. You know exactly what I
mean. And we don’t argue about what I feel for Chris. Deal?
No comments:
Post a Comment